If it’s his lips it’s your eyes that I long to see. If he’s holding me it’s your hair I wanna run my hands through. If it’s his breath, it’s your scent that I want to inhale. My tainted soul is incapable of an adequate love.

Things go wrong, they do. That’s life. But the wind keeps carrying me farther and further away from the life I want to live every minute of every day. Every failure feels a hundred yards behind me while I’m caught up in my chaotic soul. Trapped in this game of ladders consumed by the brutalities of my mind.

Everyone you discover is an adventure. You’re hungry for the ride, the aftermath. The uncertainty. Not being able to tell which parts of your soul this person will evoke. Irrespective of how their presence gently slides you along corridors you vowed you’d never walk through again.

“I’m on my way to greater lands, as you can see.
I’m moving on to someone who believes in me.”

But, let’s face it, who’s certain of anything these days? The chances you take turn into lessons and life experiences. And unfortunately, they all become tragedies you never overcome.

The fatigue persists, as do the unpleasant memories. Hope does not win, and love does not triumph.

I’m an expert in pushing people away and chasing dead ends.
I’m an expert at deluding myself into creating alternate realities in my mind.
I’m an expert in everything bad for me and have no clue what’s good for me.

Every day, I fall apart even more than the day before. Every day, I become a bit more frail and fragile. Something fresh drives me down every day. I can’t quit thinking about everything that’s ever gone wrong. Life doesn’t get any easier for me, and I’m not growing any stronger. I’m exhausted, to say the least. I’m also a little scared of myself and what I might do. I’m not making any progress, and I’m always slipping behind. What caused this to happen to me? I used to believe I was fine, even great on occasion. And now, even if I’m alone for a minute, I’m scared. I’m not sure I can go on much longer. I’ve sabotaged myself to the point of no return. 

 If I do lay down, forgive me. 

#1

This is a war I’ve fought and won. The love once given remains as is, because we were a big part of each other for a long time. We’ve had too much history to completely shift delete all they were. Now it’s like a dead plant in my backyard. 

#2

You, I can’t get over. There’s so much humiliation I live with because of you, because of the way you’ve made me feel about myself. The way you reminded me I was never good enough and would never be. I wanted to be, so I put myself through to somehow be worthy of a love like yours. And like a little girl who fights for admiration, I do the same with you. I can’t stop. You made me feel a way I can never forget, and not the good kind. 

#3

Where do I start with you? If you love me like you say you do how could you come into my life when you can never give me what I want. You’ve undone all my progress because you not being able to validate my presence in your life in these two years have made me feel like I do not deserve you, I’m not good enough for you. All my insecurities are back, the ones you assured me of. Why did you do this to me? 

I love you because I can’t help it. I love you because you love me too. From the minute you smiled into my life, you’ve been everything I imagined happy would be. Endless nights swinging in each other’s arms in limited time – yet time felt infinite.

You believe in me even when I can’t look at myself. You love me even when I think I’m not that great. You made me fall in love with myself. You’re the silent hope that keeps me going, the little voice inside my head that keeps telling me ‘you’ve got this!’

I just want to get lost in this bubble with you and never come out of it. You’re my happy place. I forget what Happy is until you hold me. And when you hold me and Happy is all I know. You’re my happy place.

Ghosts of the people that have touched, loved and left. When they left they left traces of their love, hidden in the corners of my mind and nerve endings.

I live in my head too much, my head has become where I spend more than half my day. I’m at peace there despite the chaos. It’s the only place that feels like home. It’s the reason why I can’t focus or why I can’t read books. It’s why I zone out in the middle of conversations. My demons never leave me alone. They are kind mostly. They don’t give me a hard time. I think they give me company because they don’t trust other people to keep me in check. They pull me in and I don’t mind anymore. They are all I have. Dancing with my demons at 2 pm or 2 am. It’s alright.