Love is the cruellest joke the universe has played on us. We loved too much, on complete different frequencies and years.

I miss being curled up next to you, I miss your arms around me and your breath on my neck. Didn’t realize when but your arms have become my home. I miss your lips and I miss your touch. I miss talking nothings into the night. I miss you whispering how you love me in your sleep. How do I know this is what I want for the rest of my life? Because being without you for a single second doesn’t even make sense anymore. I love you and I don’t want to spend a single day without you.

I’m back here tonight. Not because I’m tired, but because I’m too exhausted to get up. I’m shattered inside. The flip of what I saw has left me completely broken because it seemed like no bones were put together anymore. My heart is in pieces. While I stood there, inches away from their sin watching him screw her, the ground slipped underneath me. I just wanted to vanish. They were so lost in each other that they didn’t even notice the door was open.

Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I punish myself like this?

I couldn’t wait to come home when I was too weary to get up since I was physically exhausted and the music was already too loud. But I had to wait for him to finish with his friends. Just when I thought he’d forgotten about me, there he was, leaning in close and whispering, “Babe, let’s go home.”

I don’t want to despise you, and I don’t want you to despise me. I don’t know how it is for you – but it hasn’t been easy for me. Carrying the skeletons of this relationship. It’s been weighing heavily on my mind. All of the mistakes we made, all of the dead ends that led to agony and despair.

You’re one of the most significant relationships I’ve had in my lifetime and the one relationship I invested so much of myself in, and I know that is true for you too. That is the reason why I can’t go on if you’re going to be someone I’m not on the best of terms with. Can we make peace with each other, for my sake? I don’t see how else I can go on.

There’s so much conflict but there’s also love. I know it’s hard to believe that I loved you with all of what I could. I know you don’t understand me the way I’d like you to and I won’t hold that against you.

Truth is, my heart aches that we are what we are to each other now. Lovers with a bad history. I wasn’t nearly perfect and there are so many reasons for that but no excuses. As I go on with my life I understand more and more, why I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be. And that is a lifelong battle for us. One we would never see eye to eye with. But for the good times, even though brief, can we call this a truce? I’m tired of self-loathing. I know this is selfish to ask because it’s so that I don’t hurt when I think of you.

I think of you quite often and fondly too, but pain resides alongside our memories. And I’m so sorry for all the times that I hurt you. I’m so sorry for all the times that I blamed you. Truth is, I was to blame equally and maybe more. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be better. I was young and naive and felt cornered and suffocated. My mental health was arguably the most significant roadblock, one that I was unaware of and that you didn’t believe in. There was such a disconnect, and I brought so much humiliation upon myself as a result of it.

I am in pain, so much pain. And you’re not responsible but all I ask is that you ease it for me a little, just part on more kinder words than we have. For good.

We’ve been apart for over two years and there’s been no closure for me. That is my struggle. And that is what I’m asking, for a better end for us. Lay the remains of what we were to rest, at ease.

I can’t go on knowing that you despise me, for the way I am. I know it’s a bit unfair to ask, but I’ve been carrying you in my heart for far too long. I need to let you go. I wish I knew how I could, but parting on good terms is maybe the place to start.

I wish you nothing but happiness and love.

I still miss you, but that doesn’t mean we should be together, right? Perhaps it just means life gave us a fairytale none of us could claim. And I’m okay with that.

I loved you every minute we were together, and I’ll miss you every minute we’re apart.

For crumbs of your love, I do everything I can.

You were priceless; every encounter since you has proven this to be further right. There was never a day with you I felt less. Even at my worst, you saw the best in me. I’m going to miss that forever.

There wasn’t a single word that you said that triggered my insecurities. You were so thoughtful, so loving. I will miss you forever.

You truly made me fall in love with myself while everyone since has done the opposite. I’m left feeling unworthy and inadequate.

But this is just me reminiscing the good parts on a bad day – you weren’t perfect too. All the love you gave was borrowed and never yours to give away. So yeah, you broke my heart all the same and if anything, you broke it even more.

However, the one thing I will love you forever for is making me feel worthy every minute you were around. You didn’t even have to say it, the way you cared for me – said it all. And that meant the world to me. I thank heavens for bringing you my way, even for the brief while it did.

Tell me, what was it about her?
Was it the way she managed to look flawless no matter what time of the day, or that she simply wasn’t me, no I, her?

Tell me, answer me.
Was it the way she moved through crowds as she owned them, turning every head including yours, or the way she makes you feel after you make me cry?

Was it the way she rose above all every time you went running to her, or the way she could afford nice things and I could not?

Was it her sincerity or the meaningless sex?
The way she looks at you or the way she chants your name behind closed doors?

Was I, simply not good enough?

Tell me, please. What was it about her?

I can’t stop spiralling
I can’t stop trembling
I can’t stop feeling irrelevant
I can’t stop feeling unwanted
I can’t stop thinking I could never be loved
I can’t stop

But I also know that;

I can’t expect people to read my mind or understand the disasters of it
I can’t expect people to comprehend the voices and how loud they get
I can’t expect much at all unless I tell them how I truly feel

Meanwhile, I’ve got to;

I’ve got to stop crying
I’ve got to fight back my demons

I need to stop expecting magical solutions to very real problems
I need to start having honest conversations about real feelings, even if they are painful
I need to stop wondering and start knowing
I need to believe in myself and others

I just wish my heart would stop racing and my mind would stop telling me things I’m not ready to hear. I wish I could pull myself out of the spiral bring me back to solid ground and tell myself it’s only a minor setback and not the end of the world.

People can love you and still not understand every little sensation your mind transpires to your body. It’s hard and painful – but they only understand what they know and they know so little of what your mind conspires against you.

‘But I thought you enjoyed it,’ he said when I ultimately sought him out after a long period of silence following an intense yet impetuous intimate encounter during which he slapped me across the face. Something no man had ever dared to do. He never asked if he could; it was merely a spur-of-the-moment thing. Consent was lost in the wickedness of pleasure. I let it go because I was misled by his embrace and dazzled by his charm.

I must admit that I didn’t hate it at the moment, but I have despised it every day afterwards as a result of his indifference. He’d let me slip away so casually.

Don’t get me wrong, he was plenty sweet in the few hours we spent together. But it was all for nothing; it was a waste of my sentimentality.

Another one of the many men to contribute to the depreciation of my soul value.

I live in continual dread of missing out on wonderful things.