What’s sad about you is you weren’t the one to stay. 

Been wracking my brain numb wondering what inside me broke so much that I had to become this needy and vulnerable. This isn’t me at all and anyone who knew me would agree. I’m not one to break down like this. But I do now. And I’ve finally realised what it has been that caused this chain of detriment. They’ve been my friendships. How their blatant ignorance when I needed them the most crushed my soul beyond repair. And like all times before, I’m not going to call them out on it or even tell them what it was that hurt me the most. It’s done and dusted and I’ve moved on curating my life in a more comfortable and safe space that only allows me to breathe freely. No one else, just me.

So maybe it’s not too far fetched that I’d find this new comfort to be my whole world. It’s maybe not stupid at all that I’d give myself away entirely because I don’t have anything that’s holding me back. I’m free to move to new worlds and new relationships, new lives and new experiences. To heal and mend the wounds of my past in these arms.

I hoped it would be you and me for a long time.

I was scared of losing him, but the truth was I was more afraid of him not loving me enough. I was so terrified he’d leave that I let him go instead summonning myself into abandonment. And even though I was the one letting him go, I still felt abandoned. Maybe the self betrayal was strong on this one.

I wanted to chase him down and even yell his name. My body, on the other hand, had only allowed me to shut the door behind him. And behind that closed door, I fell hard and alone.

You broke me.

I think what bothers me the most is the lack of closure. The never-ending blame I subject myself to because of you. How you got away from it all looking like a saint, while I was crippled and surrendered to the laws of life.

How could I have thought your love was the best I’d ever have when it was your love that took away the life I had? You see, I was too young for you to mess with me the way you did. And had you loved me at all, you couldn’t have done half the things you did. The never-ending lies you continued to get caught up in and how I chose to believe you every time because I was conditioned to see the best in you despite all. How you continued to belittle and berate me. And how I let you.

We’re all fools when faced with facts in love – we choose denial every single time. And that is how you have put my life to shame.

I’m healing from the wounds inflicted by your love.

Someday I will no longer be hurt by your occurrences. And someday, I will forgive myself for believing in you.

I realize I’m writing this from a victim’s perspective, but sadly, that’s where I’m at.

Even with the kindest souls, I find myself collapsing.

Existing often feels like a conditional burden.

With hopes of love and commitment, I’d cornered my heart into a losing war.

The irony of it all is that I remember when I told him I couldn’t come close to another soul afraid that I might hurt them as I had a pattern of doing so recently, he without losing a breath said, “hurt me”. And by that, I only interpreted his willingness and not his carelessness. And so, I was the one who got hurt instead. He walked away with just a lose sorry hanging from his lips while I cried myself to sleep; for giving myself to someone who cared about nothing but one singular moment.

I call it the fairytale we couldn’t claim.

We’ve made rounds and rounds around with no alternative endings. It’s the same every time. There’s guilt and pain. We can’t be this selfish forever. I wish we lived in a world where remorse didn’t exist and we could just go on and on and live for our sakes.

Nothing but love for you always, and a little bit of disappointment for finding you much too late. Now you cannot be mine to claim cuz you don’t even belong to yourself. You’re hers and I’m my own. Love doesn’t always win. Life has its own plans.

I’ve said this many times, and I’ll say it again. Hopefully for the last time, if you’re ever your own person again, I’ll be thrilled and jump at the chance to see this through for the sake of everything we’ve been to each other. It’s a shame this connection has to go to waste. But we’ve come so far to realize that it’s time to accept neither of us is brave or heartless enough to crush someone else’s world so ours can exist.

I love you so much. But that’s it. I love, and that’s all I can do. Love till I can’t anymore.

After yesterday’s torture and living on the same land with less than 700 people trying to ignore your existence because you suffocate me.. I woke up today and pretended to be okay because I’m done crying about it. Headed over to breakfast to have a normal day. 

*ping* text message. From you. Damn you. Because the two other messages I left unopened and unread wasn’t enough.

My friend looks at me like she knows shit is about to go down. I don’t open the message, because I don’t have the strength to. It showed on the notification bar anyway..

“Not to ruin your day. Think twice before you spread rumours.” 

Ummm… geee thanks, I mean thanks that you care enough about my day. Wait, what though? Was this a threat? Does this sound like a threat?

This was the equivalent of UMM I DON’T MEAN TO BE RUDE BUT CAN YOU LIKE DIE. 

OKK soooo, I’m assuming it isn’t enough that I barely have any friends or barely talk to people anymore. He completely isolated me from myself and the life I had. I have no social life anymore and cry myself to sleep every night because it hurts to be this broken. But the problem is that I spread rumours about you? Hm. 

I don’t know what you want. One of these days I’ll ask you to fucking kill me maybe that will make all of this go away. I can’t fucking live with myself with what you put me through. Don’t you get it? I’m losing my shit and you know what you’re doing and you’re doing it anyway because you can’t fucking stand my sanity. I love you I want you to die I love you I want you to die I love you I want you to die. Doesn’t make sense, does it?

1. Let me tell the world, everything about you. These aren’t rumours. These are all the truths I know. 
2. Loved me. Beyond what this world showed you, you loved me. Or so I thought. (Because if you ever loved me even for a fucking second you can’t do what you are doing to me now). So maybe, you never loved me at all.

I didn’t love you, at first. I admired you. I was in awe of you. I hoped I could love you. I got so close, and then one day I did. I loved you beyond sanity. 

But in between all of that. I fought so hard to make you understand. I fought so hard to make you believe I was all yours and I was always going to be yours. But no, you wouldn’t believe me. I finally had it, I just couldn’t anymore. I was suffocating and my panic attacks were a joke to you. I called the shots. I said we were done. 

The next morning I woke up with nausea and the universe mocking me. It wasn’t just me anymore. I needed you, obviously. But I wasn’t in love with you. I couldn’t be in love with you after the way you treated me. 

But you wouldn’t marry me. You needed the abortion to happen to avoid any legal complications. Broke my heart really, but okay. Then I cheated on you. Sorry. 

And then I cheated on him with you, sorry for both of you. But damn this girl was running high on hormones and alcohol at this point. 

But you took me back, didn’t you. Said you loved me didn’t you. I said I loved you too didn’t I. But then another drunken night and you blurt out how I wronged you and I couldn’t stand it. The guilt was eating me up. I couldn’t stand wasting the best years of my life like this. It was over once again. 

I was lost, hurt, broken. My body was going through all sorts of fucked up and I questioned my existence every day.

Months passed, I realized how much I loved you so. I gave up everything you asked me to. Friends, Instagram, this very blog and a part of myself. I had to become wife material otherwise the man I loved would run off with his angel of an ex who sent me a recording of him telling her how much he wanted to be with her. The joke’s on me anyway because I was too deep in to let him go so I overlooked it. Nothing I did was good enough though. Everything you’d done wrong didn’t matter, because all that mattered was I loved you and I wanted to be with you. All the times you touched me when I didn’t want to be touched, all the times you fucked me when I didn’t want to be fucked. All of this was okay because I was blinded, wasn’t I?

You claimed to love me but you broke me. You used me, you abused your power over me and made sure I would die without you. 

Everything you ever bought me, you asked for it back because you couldn’t stand to be a decent human being. Your stupid iPhone, stupid books with meaningless love quotes, stupid letters and scrapbooks with nothing but endless lies. Because, if you loved me, you wouldn’t be the one behind the trigger. If you loved me, you wouldn’t get your highs from my lows.

These are all the truths I know.

You did cheat on me – that’s a fact and not something I’ve actually said out loud to anyone ever, until right now. Sorry, not sorry. 

You are such a nice person underneath all your layers, instead, you become this toxic, ego-driven narcissist. Not a rumour, only the truth. 

Maybe when I die you’ll finally stop. Would you?