I love you
3 words, 8 letters,  that change everything 
a label,
a misconception,
a promiseto love unconditionally,
every day, every hour, every minute – always!

I’m willing to settle for a love I can explore on my good days and a love that will excuse me on my bad. A love that understands. And the only person I want to do that is with you. 

I don’t want to be in love with you, it’s cost me so much of my heart. 

I miss you, not in the I need you in my life kinda way, but in a more, I can’t believe the rest of my life is going to be without you. 

They all want you when they can’t have you.
And when they finally have you, they are done wanting you.

Can I talk to you about my day?
Can I use you, like you use me?
Take my mind and body, just give me your soul.
And while you fill me, I just need you to listen.

Another Goodbye

Thursday nights in my bed
Running around in my head
Wishing you were here
Laying so close to near

Longing whispers in my ear
Lies I long to hear
Your cold I love you’s
So out of the blue

I sink and I die
I scream and I cry
Hoping this is the last I trace your face
Hoping this is the last I chase your grace

Don’t you wonder what I swore?
When you walked out the door
Washing your sins with corrupted morale
Leaving behind your desired femme fatale

As you ran from me
Turning away from my plea
Done with your loving and lying
Leaving my broken heart in a sting

Here I lay
Unable to pray
Stained in places my hands won’t reach
Surely nor your moral ground would preach

Hands tied in lace
Tongue-tied in prays

I sigh, ‘Goodbye’.

Breakups are the worst. The general sense of apathy, of not being motivated to accomplish anything, of not having the energy to explain your breakup to your friends, of not wanting to relive it. Staying home, in your bed, in your only haven, safe from reality. Hiding from the world and sinking deeper and deeper in your sorrows until you question your existence and loathe your life.

I’m not sure why everything I get into is so short-lived. I really do wonder that what it is about me that is so inherently flawed that I end up here over and over again. Oh, no. I’m not really supposed to say that. Instead of feeling like an immense failure every time things take a U-turn, I’ve been advised that I should be kinder to myself and be there for myself more in these times. But where it gets tough is the way my mind is wired it rebuts any positives and refuges in the negatives. When things don’t work out I worry that I’ll never be loved the right way, that my expectations are too high, and that I don’t deserve much. And every time something fails, a little bit more is lost. And finally, I devolve into a void of emptiness with no reason to exist. I know, that’s a stretch, but you’d understand too if you could hear the thoughts that unfurl in this head of mine. That is exactly how it feels. No exaggeration. I’m most prone to self-destruction here in my lows.

To live without you is to battle addiction. I’ll never be ready to let go. That’s why I need to rip my own heart out because that is the only way I will survive.

I felt nothing for a time after it stung.

My silence was unintentional; I lacked the words as they’d all been used up.

I’d said what I had to say and couldn’t think of anything further to add. You see, I’d said everything I could possibly say. I didn’t want to sound like a broken record. That was something I couldn’t put myself through again.

And so, I sat in silence and made it my own hell.

Perhaps you met me just as I was getting myself up off the floor where I had fallen, when I didn’t know how to stand on both legs, let alone keep still without disintegrating into a million separate sub-pieces every time I was even slightly hurt.

What’s sad about you is you weren’t the one to stay.