It’s time to start stressing over the deadlines I purposefully chose to ignore yesterday. Life is indeed fun.

Today was bliss. I’m just a girl rummaging through the ups and downs of life and trying to make the most of it every day.

I took a break today and just chose to be happy. There wasn’t a single moment of stress. I didn’t worry about my deadlines or work. I was just happy to exist.

One thing or the other always. Can life ever just chill?

Even if you can change someone’s “what” things, you can’t really change the “how” without fundamentally altering their way of life. The what of things is often a choice; it’s tangible, and the how of things is often a means of living.

Not everything is black or white. There’s a little gray, maybe off-white, between the lines of “I love you” and “I would do anything for your happiness.”

Another Friday, another rock bottom.

I’m starting to believe I truly am cursed for this shit to keep happening to me over and over. When you love people more than you love yourself, you always put yourself in situations where they end up hurting you. It’s all because you love them more than you love yourself, and you let it happen. 

It was just yesterday that I prayed for ease. And my mental health laughed in my face.

I feel so unloved, misunderstood, and lonely.

Wow, it’s February. 

January flew by like a trial. It shook me to my core. I hope the rest of the year is easy. I hope it’s kind to me.

Heartbroken at breakfast. I don’t know if it was because I was too hungry or because I’ve been feeling anxious, or both. I don’t know. I’m too sensitive. And it really hurts to be around people who are completely oblivious to it. But sometimes I also feel like, by expecting them to be more mindful of it, I’m asking for too much, but then I also think that’s wrong, that I shouldn’t have to feel that way. Anyone who claims to love me should be able to protect my feelings, heart, and state of mind. “Love” is more than just a word. But sometimes that’s all it is—just a word, without any feelings, care, or empathy attached to it.

And to me, I love you today would’ve meant, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re going through whatever you are. 

Some days I feel like it would be so much easier and a lot less painful to rip my heart out of my chest and watch it bleed. Feeling this kind of loneliness is a heartbreaking way to start the day. 

Or maybe it’s all in my head. And I’ll convince myself that it is and that I’m a little crazy . Like everyone else tells me. That makes more sense than believing that people and the world are cruel. Or the fact that my feelings are too much and irrelevant, that people don’t care, and that it’s just me who cares and I care too much. 

Sometimes they do things, and you think to yourself, “If they loved you, they could never do that.” And you know this voice in you is right, but you’re just holding on, hoping to be proven wrong.

Less than thrilled this morning. Last night I was too tired to do anything but finish the paper I was working on. I still have a few more to go. But then, in between naps, I saw class invitations for next semester. I hadn’t even thought about next semester. And I have four modules next semester. Classes apparently start next week, and we aren’t even properly done with this semester. It makes no sense, but obviously the college couldn’t care less about that. They’ll just pile shit on, and we’ll be left to swim in rising waters. Yeap, I am kind of freaking out.