Hello friends, here I am again. Attempting to keep up a habit that is dying.

We are half way into the year, and I can say it with my whole heart that I didn’t love the first half of it. But maybe this is where things change. And I’m hoping it would. 

I’ve started to do the deep work that I so terribly owe to myself. I’m learning to be kinder towards me and be more compassionate, I’m starting to prioritize myself. I’m starting to learn to be content with myself.

I think the past few years were a whirlwind of me quickly realizing that I didn’t want to live the way I did, so I just rushed into changing everything without being patient and trusting the universe to bring me what I deserved. So instead, I was wrecking myself on shores where I didn’t belong, not understanding why I kept ending up there.

What I’m talking about is not an easy thing to do; it is real hard work, and it comes with fundamentally changing the way I view the world. And while some days I feel like I’m succeeding, other days I feel like I’m falling behind. But nevertheless, I’m trusting the light to guide me home.

I wish I came to write here under better circumstances, but I never do. I only turn to write when I feel a void within that only words can help understand.

And today even words won’t be enough.

These days are wonderful. I’m calmer and more centered. I see things more clearly, feels like the brain fog has been lifted.

I’m so incredibly happy and so incredibly in love. 

The complexity of loving others lies in the fact that we cannot control how they perceive or respond to our love. Even if, by chance, they reciprocate our feelings, we still lack the ability to dictate the way they express that love. This reality shows the limited control we have over the trajectory of our lives.

In truth, the only aspect within our control is our own emotions and feelings. Attempting to impose our desires and expectations upon others is a losing game. Therefore, it is essential to embrace a love without expectations. Love unconditionally, continuously, until it becomes impossible not to. Because often, love happens unexpectedly, without deliberate intent; it simply takes hold and leaves us to navigate its influence. Nevertheless, a healthy relationship allows for secure and open communication of our deepest sentiments.

When we love, we must wholeheartedly invest ourselves and remain hopeful for the best outcomes. If our heart happens to break along the way, it is possible that the experience is meant to guide us toward someone who will not shatter it. Regardless of the path, we should recognize the rarity of genuine love. If you find yourself completely and helplessly in love at this very moment, hold onto that sentiment tightly. I certainly am.

There was a time when I believed I would never experience love in its entirety, with unwavering certainty. But now that I have fallen in love, it’s both exhilarating and terrifying. Yet I worry about it constantly. But after realising how pointless worrying about it is,  I’ve made the decision to love with an open heart and hope that I fly and not fall. And trust that if i do fall, they would catch me. After all, love grants them the power to potentially hurt me, but it also requires a profound trust that they will not.

I love this man more than I have known love. Life without him seems nearly impossible. It’s unhealthy, but I’ve fallen in love recklessly and helplessly. And right now, all I want is to savor this moment and revel in being in love.

Love often leaves us feeling powerless, and maybe it’s in that vulnerability that its true beauty resides.

I can’t keep lying to myself anymore. I can’t keep breaking my heart every other day. There are truths I know deep inside me that I am yet unable to accept because I chose to believe and have faith.

So no matter what I feel or witness, in the end, I lie to myself to protect my little delusion and fantasy. Because if truth prevails and my curated dream gets unraveled, I will fall apart.

I am falling apart. I have tried and tried to hold myself together.

It’s embarrassing to admit how weak I have become. But I have.

I am in love with someone I need, and the thought of losing him terrifies me. I can’t breathe without him. But he’s not like me. He doesn’t need me. And would probably be fine without me. And that kills me too.

How do you voice your feelings to someone who’s okay with losing you?

I don’t write as much because I can no longer write with an open heart. Everything I feel is a risk, and a bigger one if I write it.

“You know there’s many different ways that you can kill the one you love.
The slowest way is never loving them enough.”

How true.

These occurrences happen quite often.

Things start going wrong one after the other. I get flustered and overwhelmed. Even angry. Mostly at myself and then anyone around for not really getting what I’m going through.

My sensors are at an overload. And the more I have to rush to make a decision just sends me to a breaking point.

And I wonder if I could explain the way I feel and if they would understand. I wondered if it would be so simple.

I wondered if I could just say out loud I don’t feel loved enough today and it would be received with love and adoration. I wondered if things would be so simple.

Deep down I knew they wouldn’t be. Deep down I knew I wasn’t simple. My issues weren’t either. No therapist has been able to really tackle them so I roam around half undone.

But out of everything the only and I mean the only thing that really stings to my core is feeling alone. Feeling alone when I’m alone is okay. But feeling alone around others. Feeling like I’m on my own because they have close to no idea what’s going on inside me, because even if I explain it won’t come out right or they won’t even get it right. That just kills me. Having to live in this chaos alone.

Having no one to just like know when I’m having a panic attack and to just reassure me. I expect too much of others even the little times that I do.

And that certainly didn’t end there. I was a monster of my own making.

She had to come and say one thing, in the wrong tone and I lost the last nerve I was holding onto. It was unfortunate timing at best. I couldn’t stop myself. I was too angry. At everything and everyone. But mostly at myself.

Even after I’d calmed down and thrown everything that I saw, I’m glad I stopped and hesitated at my laptop; I certainly couldn’t afford to break it. All my candles had an unfortunate ending. Some survived, but barely; the rest were glass-torn wax.

How is it that I’m getting more and more messed up every day? I thought I was healing.

I can’t even handle the aftermath. I can’t handle being that terrifying to people I love and am trying to be good to. My words scream as if the world is deaf. I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. My feelings just take ugly turns, and I’m enslaved to them.

How did I become so scary? How did I become so heartless and cold? Tears don’t even last that long anymore. I need help.

It’s been hours. I’m still angry. I’ve even showered.

Having to clear the scene of a blowout always feels like I’m cleaning my own murder scene. I feel like the worst person ever. Maybe because I keep killing pieces of myself every time I blow up.

Do I relive this and try to understand how I got here? How I felt so normal yesterday and how I feel completely insane today.

Was it the movie I watched last night? It’s still running in the back of my mind. I never realized substance abuse was a trigger. But seeing the withdrawals and the aftermath of it made me relate to it a little even though my experiences were so different.

But it wouldn’t be wrong to say drug abuse did certainly have a huge impact on how my life eventually took turns for the worst. It drained my mental health. It drained me even more having to deal with it all myself. Maybe I don’t actively remember how hard it was for me. And now I do.

This was just a series of things gone wrong. But they were so little frustrations that turned into a massive blow-up.

How do I learn from this? How do I seek help?

Yesterday turned out to be quite the rollercoaster and an adventure. One I will remember for a long time. 

This has to be the worst part. I had plans last night and got this insane headache where I couldn’t even open my eyes, so I had to cancel and rest. Now I’m awake early in the morning, starving, with no food at home. And no one I could ring up to have breakfast with because obviously everyone’s still sleeping, and of course I’ve cut my circle to a little zero, so I don’t have many options. So do I go alone? I don’t feel like going alone. But I am starving. This is so sad.

Being sick and alone is the absolute worst thing. But it’s really my fault; I don’t like when people nurture either unless I allow them to. A woman’s troubles between wanting to be left alone and being really left alone.

Oh well. Fuck. 

But let’s contemplate them while I stay in bed until it’s 7.

Meanwhile, here’s a message to those who read my blog: thank you for reading it. I wouldn’t know why you read it, but I would hope that it’s because you relate to it on some level, and if I’m able to articulate my experiences into words in a way that allows you to understand it better, it means the world to me. I might not respond to every message you send, but I do see them, and it warms my heart. 

On that note, I’d also like to note that it’s not sympathy or pity that I seek, though I do understand how sad and blue most of what I write is. The truth is, I’m just a melancholic person, and I’m able to write better from my sadness, which is easier to channel as I’ve been sad most of my life, so that’s where the inspiration comes from.

And I write as a way of coping; I’ve done it for years, and now it’s become systematic therapy.

Thank you for reading; it means the world to me. 

Ok, so food wins, and I’m off. 🤍

Nearly half the year has gone and I think I’ve hit a writers block. I think I’ve used all my words on assignments and articles and I have nothing left for here.

Well, still sick, still pretty lonely. But okay too. Life just will never be what you want it to be. Stop chasing the wrong people. 

I decided to not go anywhere this Eid so I can save up and travel end of the year. But I think I’ll plan the next Eid trip, I can’t stay at home pitying myself next eid. And that is in June so we’ve got time.

I want to start working on my assignment but the word limit seems to have been left out by my lecturer so I will probably use that as an excuse to delay getting started on it and see what else I can do with my life.

I hope everyone’s having fun, and are happy and are surrounded by their loved ones.

Hello, it’s been forever. 16 days of no reflection but being busy with what life has to offer. I guess I didn’t have much to say. Anything I’ve been feeling, I’ve been trying my hardest to push it down because there’s no good for my feelings up here. 

It’s Eid today, and I’ve not seen another human for nearly 30 hours. I’ve been sick, lonely, and a bit sad. Eid Mubarak tho.