[From the Diaries]
To you it was a white lie. Maybe it was.
But the way you lied to my face, I couldn’t comprehend it. And it wasn’t just one lie. It was one lie after another, built to protect the first lie you told.
I understand where it came from. You were afraid I would get mad if I knew the truth. But even then, the right thing would have been to say it honestly. Instead you lied and snuck around behind my back, expecting me to believe you. It made me feel stupid for trusting your words.
Right now my biggest fear is not that you would talk to other girls. My biggest fear is that you would do things like this that could destroy our life together. Things like drugs. But in that moment it felt like the same pattern. You were trying to hide something you knew I would disapprove of, so you chose to lie and do it behind my back.
And when you realized you had been caught, suddenly it was “I’m sorry, okay,” followed by explanations and justifications. “It just happened.”
Then five minutes later it became, “Ana meehunna vaahaka dhahka iru okay dho.”
And I have to say this clearly. Even if my intention was never wrong, after everything that happened, after you spoke to multiple people behind my back while we were together, even romantically, you still felt comfortable throwing that at me to get yourself out of trouble. The deflection was unbelievable. All because you were upset that I was upset at you for lying directly to my face.
Every day right now I am trying to understand whether we can actually build a stable life together. Whether we can even have healthy arguments. Because disagreements will always happen in any relationship. But every time we fight, it turns into chaos.
I was upset. I was hurt. And somehow you got angry at me for not getting over it fast enough.
I would have gotten over it. I always do eventually. But you did not give me the space to process it. Instead you tried to turn the whole situation around on me and justify your behaviour.
And just to explain why I asked you to come with me that day. I wanted to eat healthy. I wanted to go to Café Ier. I wanted to do something simple with you instead of sitting alone. That is why I dragged you along.
But I could barely even do that. I was so shaken that I had to cancel my dress fitting.
You looked me in the eye, gave me your word that you would never do it again, and I realized I could not believe what you were saying anymore. And somehow you still had the audacity to get mad at me for that.
It made me think about something else. What if we were travelling and something like this happened again? What if I was somewhere far away with you and could not leave? What would happen then? Would you give me space to process it? Would you even be sorry? Or would you just throw the one thing from the past that you hold over me as your wild card?
I was angry and hurt that you lied to my face.
I was even more angry that you kept trying to justify it.
And I nearly lost it when you started deflecting and acting like this behaviour was nothing.
You brought up the past very quickly when it suited you.
I think you expected me to cave. To put up with your rudeness even while I was hurt. But I would not.
Your behaviour was manipulative. Saying “I’m sorry, okay” while giving me no time to process anything. First trying over and over to lie your way out of it, and when that stopped working, immediately dragging the past into the conversation. The apologies disappeared the moment it became convenient for you.
If I am yelling or shouting at you, you should actually be less worried. I only do that when I still feel safe enough to fight.
I go quiet when I no longer feel safe.
And the moment you started deflecting and pointing things at me instead of taking responsibility for the thing that caused this entire situation, I stopped feeling safe.
When I make mistakes with you, I give you time to process them. I do not demand instant forgiveness. I let you feel whatever you need to feel.
Not to mention the last time you were upset, your way of processing it was saying horrible things about X and his family to me. You made it clear that I had to sit there and listen to it. It was disturbing, but I still tolerated it because I thought that was what you needed to get through the moment.
And now you cannot even give me a few minutes to process what you did without trying to turn it against me.
After everything that happened, you were clearly in the wrong. Yet somehow you still found a way to throw stones at me.
She Was Sea 