She Was Sea

[From the Diaries | June 03, 2024]

I am honestly so tired of this relationship.

I don’t know why I believed things would change. Maybe because I believed your words. Maybe because I wanted to believe them. But here I am again, carrying the same burden I thought we had already confronted.

The other week you slipped. You cried. You apologized. I tried to understand. I told myself people make mistakes. I told myself growth takes time.

But then two days later you did the same thing again.

And that is the part I cannot understand.

I am so tired. Truly exhausted. Tired of having to mother you. Tired of analyzing every word you say, trying to decode what is real and what is another half-truth waiting to collapse. Tired of carrying the emotional weight of loving someone I cannot trust.

I take my healing seriously. My peace is not negotiable anymore. These are some of the hardest days of my life, and yet not once have you put me first. Every decision you make seems to revolve around your own impulses, your own comfort, your own momentary desires.

Meanwhile I am here trying to hold my life together.

I am finishing my thesis. I am pushing myself through something that should be a proud moment in my life. And I am doing it without even the smallest ounce of support from you. And when I say support, I’m not asking you to solve my problems. I’m asking you not to create more of them.

But you don’t seem to understand that your actions have consequences. And for far too long I have been the one forced to absorb the damage of those consequences.

I’m tired of being the adult in this relationship.

I’m tired of holding the emotional structure together while you keep shaking its foundation.

Every morning I wake up wondering what you may have done the night before. I wake up wondering what new story I’m about to hear today. What new lie I’ll have to untangle.

I wake up already tired.

This relationship is slowly draining something out of my soul.

And the saddest part is that I have so many other things I should be focusing on right now. My growth. My work. My future. My peace.

But somehow the focus keeps coming back to you.

I don’t understand why your words never seem to match your actions. I don’t understand why the version of you that promises change never shows up in reality.

Maybe it’s because you simply don’t have the capacity to be there for me right now. Because you don’t have your own life together.

But how long am I supposed to wait for that?

How long am I supposed to wait for you to grow up? For you to be responsible? For you to make sensible decisions and follow through with them?

Because right now it feels like I’m waiting for someone who isn’t even trying to arrive.

And I didn’t want this life. I didn’t want this kind of relationship.

I’m just so tired.