[From the Diaries]
I see you. Lurking. Watching. Every day.
It’s been fifteen years. Over ten since we last spoke. So why am I still on your mind? I know I am, because there you are, every single day, in my views.
I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how even a mild obsession could survive this much time. You didn’t want me, remember? I wasn’t good enough. That was clear.
I was the obsessed one. Deeply infatuated. It took me years to get over you. Years to unlearn you. But I did.
You were special, though. You shaped so much of who I became.
There’s this story I tell sometimes about the boy who made me start wearing makeup. You didn’t tell me to. But the way you ended things made me feel so ugly that I spiraled into an identity crisis. I was seventeen. Seventeen. And trying to rebuild myself because one boy decided I wasn’t enough.
I couldn’t forget you even if I wanted to. I remember how pathetic I must have looked. Calling nonstop. Fantasizing about you 24/7. Hoping for some dramatic run-in so we could fix everything. We eventually had one, but I’m sure to you I was just an annoying girl.
To me, you were my whole world.
I was young. Foolish. Dramatic. But my feelings were real. I don’t feel things like that anymore. Not that intensely. Not that blindly.
I was there whenever you needed me. And you disappeared whenever you felt like it. I was convenient. A drive-through when nothing else was open.
And that’s fine. That was then.
But why are you still watching?
It’s ironic, really. You were the one who sent me “The Man Who Can’t Be Moved” all those years back. It probably meant nothing to you. Just another song.
But are you the man who can’t be moved? Even after you moved on?
I’m just curious. Which corner of your mind do I haunt? What version of me still lingers there after all this time?
Because honestly, I never think of you anymore. Not really.
Unless your name pops up.
And lately, it does.
Every single day.
She Was Sea 