She Was Sea

[From the Diaries]

I am honestly so tired of this relationship. I don’t know why I thought you would change. I believed your words. And now I have to carry this weight all over again.

The other week you slipped. You cried. You broke down. I understood. I held space for that.

Two days later, you did the same thing. And that is where I stopped understanding.

I am tired. I am exhausted. From having to mother you. From overthinking every word you say. From carrying the emotional burden of not being able to trust you.

I take my healing and my peace very seriously. These are some of the toughest days of my life, and not once have you truly put me first. Your actions have been selfish. I am completing my thesis, pushing myself to the finish line, without a single ounce of real support from you. And by support, I do not mean solving my problems. I mean at the very least not adding to them.

You do not seem to care that your actions have consequences. And I have been living in the secondhand damage of those consequences for far too long.

I am tired of being the adult in this relationship. Tired of managing the emotions. Tired of managing the chaos. I am exhausted.

I wake up worrying about what you might have done the night before. I wake up bracing myself for whatever new story I will be told. I wake up already drained. This relationship feels like it is slowly killing something inside me.

I have so many other things I should be focusing on. My growth. My work. My future. And yet my energy keeps circling back to you.

I do not understand why your words never match your actions. I do not understand why loving you feels like carrying a constant anxiety.

You cannot be there for me because you do not have yourself together. And I keep asking myself, how much longer am I supposed to wait? For you to step up. For you to be responsible. For you to make sensible plans and actually follow through.

You do not.

There is always instability. Always excuses. Always something unfinished.

This is not what I wanted.

I am just so tired.