[From the Diaries]
I dreaded coming home.
To the stillness. The emptiness.
Nothing had changed. The furniture was the same. The walls were the same. The air was the same.
Except he wasn’t there anymore.
Work was chaotic as ever. There is no possible way the world should feel this still with the amount of stress sitting on my shoulders. But it did. Without the concept of his existence in my life, everything felt dull. Boring. Pointless.
He was the little bit of purpose I had. Even if it was small, it was still purpose.
Maybe I do love him.
And just like that, I am back in that same indecisive loop. Only this time I have more facts. More clarity. Thanks to the amount of therapy I have had over the past five years.
So now the question becomes: is it love?
Or is it my unhealthy, insecure, anxious attachment style gasping for air like a fish out of water simply because he is no longer there?
I walked so much today my feet are aching. I took the longest route home just to avoid facing the reality that now exists.
I did buy flowers on the way back. I could not bear to look at the dead ones slowly collapsing in my vase at a time when it feels like I am facing a kind of death myself.
Do not misunderstand me. This is not just about a man. Not just about a breakup.
It is about the pain I carry in general. And not all of it was caused by him. I have my own issues. My own wounds. Things I am still working on.
He did not take my pain away. But his presence made me feel less alone in it. On the days I felt rotten, he made it feel survivable.
Now that changes.
She Was Sea 