[From the Diaries]
This is for you to read someday, if you’re ever sober.
I am truly sorry I couldn’t be there for you through your recovery and support you the way I wanted to. I wanted to. But the way you were treating me left my spirit in the trenches.
I was slowly losing myself. My confidence. My ability to have faith. It felt like I was always standing at the edge of a cliff with you, and you would either push me off or jump yourself, just to get away from me. Because you lacked the capacity to comprehend my emotions.
It’s hard to imagine that you were once the man who promised that my smile was all you wanted to see for the rest of your life, if possible. And yet lately, all I’ve found is myself crying hysterically, breaking down with no one to hold me. Wondering how love could feel this way. How someone who swears he loves you, and still says he does, can make you feel nothing but stab wounds.
Every time you hung up on me when I didn’t want to let you go.
Every time you left when I couldn’t bear to be alone.
Every time you drove me to the worst corners of my mind simply through your lack of empathy and compassion.
I miss the man who loved me. I will forever miss him. My heart belongs to him.
I don’t blame you for your condition. But who is going to take care of me while you are throwing yourself away? And not just throwing yourself away, but hurting me terribly in the process. Even when I tell you I am in pain, you feel little to nothing. It’s like your empathy has vanished. And I am left feeling like nothing.
I can’t keep doing this to myself. I am not walking away because I want to be without you. I am walking away because trying to be with you has become the hardest thing I have ever done. You constantly push me away and kick me to the ground. I find myself lying there helpless, like a wounded soldier after war, hoping someone will find me.
But no one will. So I have to take care of myself.
I pray that you find your peace and your path to righteousness. I hope that someday God rekindles your ability to love properly. Most of all, I hope you find your way back to yourself, because he is pretty damn amazing, and the world misses him.
All my love, my baby.
I will try not to call you. But I am weak too. I hope you will be kind to me on the days I lose the battle between my heart and my mind and reach out.
But I will try my best not to.
She Was Sea 