I feel so deeply uninterested. Nothing excites me. Nothing feels new. There’s nothing I’m looking forward to.
Sometimes, I feel most alive when I think about certain paths I’ve walked before. But there’s no real desire to retrace those steps either.
It’s been like this for a while. I try to put myself out there, but there’s a quiet resistance inside me—a kind of empathy that holds me back. I try to reason with myself, and I know it’s okay to take time, but still… I just can’t do it yet.
My therapist asked me if I feel like I lose a part of myself with every relationship that ends. Like something inside me dies with them. I had never really thought of it that way. But I told him this: every breakup leaves behind a different version of me. Some made me stronger, some left me feeling less.
The only connection I’ve felt recently was the one that promised something permanent the moment I replied. And because it happened so easily, I thought it wouldn’t be that hard to feel that way again. But it is. Nothing sparks. Nothing glows. Nothing ignites anything inside me.
Maybe that’s why I keep looking back. The most thrilling parts of my life were often the moments I wasn’t supposed to be living. The ones laced with risk, spontaneity, and just enough secrecy to make them unforgettable.
I remember giving them a time and waiting. Wondering if they’d show up. Wondering if they’d be early, late, or not come at all. One always came right on time. The other was barely there and always late.
Maybe they’ll always be my favorite mistakes. Both of them made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time. But only one gave it back to me fully. With him, it was like we felt the same things at the same time, and there was no running from it.
June 2019. A time I’d relive in a heartbeat. It looks even more perfect from this distance, but I know it wasn’t. It was always wrong. And maybe I should feel ashamed, but I wasn’t. Because I didn’t demand anything. I didn’t push. I just went with the flow. And I was okay with that—because for the first time in a long time, someone made me feel alive again.
She Was Sea 