How much damage must you have endured to become reluctant to ask for what’s rightfully yours?
Asking for things has never been my thing. It’s not that I don’t want things—I do. But over time, I’ve convinced myself that I don’t. I’ve never really gotten the things I wanted, and that made me feel like a loser. So now, I just don’t ask.
Growing up, my parents didn’t really get me anything I asked for. They led me to believe I had to earn it. And even though I performed so well in school, I never quite earned it in their eyes. Maybe they couldn’t afford it, or maybe they didn’t want to. Either way, it shaped me.
The truth is, I do want things—so many things. But I don’t even buy them for myself because I feel like there will always be more important things to prioritize.
I’ve received gifts before, things I didn’t ask for and didn’t think I wanted, but I ended up loving them. That made me realize it’s not that I don’t want things. It’s that I don’t want to break my own heart by wanting things I might never afford or by asking for something I may never get.
I can’t even find the courage to ask for what’s mine. That’s just who I am.
Anyway, I passed all my modules—yay! I want someone to be ecstatic for me, over the moon. I know my thesis is still pending, but this in itself is huge for me. And the one person I was excited enough to share this with didn’t even acknowledge it.
That broke my heart.
She Was Sea 