Hi, let’s try to write something raw, right from my heart.
Lately, my inspiration to write has been rather dull. I think learning harsh realities of the world has left me feeling drained. On one hand, it has made me want to hide, to not be so vulnerable here, maybe even use it as my power, but then, for what? That’s one thing I’ve always stood against. It might not have been the right way, but shying away from my authenticity feels like a betrayal. Hiding parts of who I am, or stopping myself from doing the things I love, feels equally defeating. It doesn’t fill my soul—it starves me.
Life lately though, has been insane. Not in a chaotic way—I’m rather calm, thanks to my SSRIs.
Deep down, I know I deserve better. I know I deserve to be loved, cared for, and looked after. I know I deserve the things my heart desires. But every time all of these things come knocking on my door, I turn them down. They never reach my heart. And again, I can’t live a lie, even if that lie would provide all the things I’ve ever dreamt of—except maybe love, because the heart is the hardest to convince, even when the mind knows better.
I’ve been cutting myself down, enduring things I shouldn’t, all in the name of excitement. I’ve been bored for too long, and this feels exciting. It might be love too. But I can’t admit that love could make me feel so low at times.
Love doesn’t make you question yourself. Love doesn’t make you jealous of other women. But then, that’s on me for believing a married man.
Once you’ve felt safe, you immediately recognize when you don’t. I’ve felt safe once in my life, and I’m afraid I will forever long for that feeling again. But goodbyes were said, and now I settle for whatever my heart craves, even if it’s chaos. If it makes me feel alive, I’ll choose it.
I don’t think my “person” is out there. It’s a feeling I’m searching for, not a person, and I’m spending my whole life longing for it, yet mostly being fine without it. I think I’ve been broken in so many ways that nothing fazes me anymore. My friend said that today. I think she might be right. I allow it all. I even laugh at it. Maybe because the pieces of my heart have been broken for so long, and the people who promised to heal me only tortured the damaged pieces in the name of love.
But let’s be honest: I won’t ask a man to stay. I believe in the flow of life, and I can only be with someone who chooses me in the end.
She Was Sea 