I’m all over the place.
Do I dissociate? Because at times, my words and actions don’t feel or sound like me. It’s like I change my mind the moment the words leave my mouth, as if my thoughts and my voice are disconnected. I wonder if this is what it means to be ungrounded, to feel like you’re floating away from your own identity, unsure of where you stand.
It’s like standing at the edge of a cliff, taking one blind step forward after another, almost daring the universe to see if one of those steps will lead to my end. There’s a thrill, a dark rush, in tempting fate, in flirting with the possibility of destruction.
And when it comes to people, I do something eerily similar. It’s not death that I flirt with, but abandonment. I push them away, sabotage the connections, all while riding the high of wondering which of my reckless actions or careless words will finally drive them away for good.
My thoughts are scattered, untethered, like leaves in the wind. I’m ungrounded, drifting from one extreme to the next.
I don’t want to hurt people, but somehow, if I’m out there—I do. It’s as if the very act of being present in someone’s life carries with it the inevitability of causing pain.
She Was Sea 