I didn’t understand it.
I couldn’t control my tears, trying desperately to hide them. What had happened? He’d said something hurtful—just a little joke, really—but it pierced me deeply. I told him to stop, half-joking, hoping he’d understand. He laughed it off, and I pretended to forgive him.
But my mood shifted; I shut down. Tears flowed silently. Why was I so hurt? It wasn’t about him. I couldn’t even pinpoint the source of the pain, just that it was there.
Normally, I’d think it was because I liked him so much, that his words had power over me. But it went deeper. My insecurities were triggered, my self-esteem crumbled, revealing all the struggles I battle daily. These were my issues.
I just wanted him to leave, so I could cry in peace, drowning in feelings of being damaged and broken.
After I sleep with someone, I become vulnerable, like a fragile glass house. It’s why I need to keep my guard up. If I don’t protect myself, I risk shattering into pieces over and over again.
It’s astonishing how you can have a breakdown right in front of someone without them noticing a thing. It’s impressive, in a way.
And I felt completely broken.
She Was Sea 