The other day, my therapist asked me the single question that left me dumbfounded. I don’t think I’d ever felt that speechless in my entire life because of how true and deep the realization was that struck with the question. He asked me why it is that I continue to be interested in men who will never be able to make me a priority, and he ended the session by asking me to think on it until the next session. So I’ve been thinking; it’s been on the back of my mind constantly.
And then this one plausible reason hit me: Could it be perhaps because I saw my father prioritize other women constantly over his wife and my mother, that I’ve subconsciously sensationalized the other woman? Could it?
My father was a serial cheater. He was the worst husband and a subpar father. But despite all of this, he is someone I will always love so dearly. I would go sometimes months without talking to him because I’m kind of going no contact, but the minute he stands in front of me, everything vanishes, and I’m just the 3-year-old girl he used to love more than anything in the world. At least from what I remember, that is.
I’ve idolized and loved him blindly, forgiven him for everything without him ever apologizing, and by doing so, I’ve enabled his shitty behavior my entire life, and it is only now that I’ve found the courage and clarity to put an end to it. So when people ask me, who was your first heartbreak, from this day, I will always say it was my father.
Because as ironic as it is, the day my parents finalized their divorce is also the day that I got my heartbroken over a boy, for the first time in my entire life. I was fourteen. I was in love. And I was broken.
And ever since then, all I’ve ever looked for is love, from wherever, and from whomever, and whenever. It didn’t matter; I just wanted to be loved. Because I was living with a void that I didn’t even realize.
But the thing with love is, you’re not happy when people love you; you’re only happy when the person you’re in love with loves you back.
She Was Sea 