Life got quiet, and I got a little busy. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way, maybe a month, haha. But for the first time in what feels like forever, I wished I had a slightly more interesting Thursday night ahead of me.

Although, I love how slow my chaos has been. How everything negative I thought of my life and myself seems so far away that it almost feels like a distant dream. But today, for a split second, I felt worthless. And luckily, I managed to brush off that random, meaningless thought.

You can’t quiet your demons forever; they will try to creep up every chance they get. But I’d like to think that I’ve tamed mine, and the voices in my head are almost eerie. I’m starting to love my life, and I’m praying that the floor won’t fall through again.

It’s scary even to write this because I don’t trust the universe not to jinx my peace. I’ll let this stay in my drafts.

Maybe I’ll finally get to that book that’s been on my nightstand for the past month, hoping I’ll pick it up again. Maybe tonight is the night,

Or maybe I’ll watch that old romcom I’d been thinking of and hopefully, it’ll be as good as “The Way We Were.”

Going on a night out and running into your ex is certainly something we all dread. But what strikes in the most cunning way is when that happens, and you truly realize how much stranger you’ve become from a person who was once your world. The resentment you’ve held vanishes for just a second, enough for you to dwell on what is certainly lost forever. It’s okay to acknowledge these losses and maybe even okay to enjoy the silence of these moments because life has its way of showing you what the world can be even without them.

For a split second, all the distance I put between us slipped away, and I craved that familiar face, touch, and way.

But it wasn’t there. Now, I face my consequences. Why do we let go and still want to hold on? Why is the heart so dumb?

Why do I stay and stare at doors I’ve closed behind? Why do I have the impulse to go back to everything I’ve run away from? Why can’t I fully let go?