I don’t know why I live my life as if the world owes me something for merely existing and staying alive, because a part of me feels like I could have chosen not to, yet I didn’t. So where is my thank you?

I crave peace and quiet; solitude is my fort. Yet, as days go by, I find myself getting a little bored of how peaceful it is. I don’t miss the drama, nor the pain. I’m just ordained to chaos, and without it, it feels like I feel nothing.

Although, I must enjoy this quiet and peace I have, because it won’t last if I am to pursue what I am thinking of pursuing. So, I’ll let these dull days go as they want to because someday, it won’t be like this.

Today is November 19, 2023. I’ll never forget what happened on November 19, 2010. The boy of my dreams broke up with me, and I was a mess. It changed my life forever and surely altered my brain too. I was just 17 and madly and hopelessly in love. After that day, I was utterly heartbroken.

Like any 17-year-old, even though I had my whole life ahead of me, this one thing felt like it was the end of me. I didn’t go out for months. The girl who had never properly read a book buried herself in the Twilight Saga and fell in love with Edward Cullen. I also started wearing loads and loads of makeup because my self-esteem had been completely destroyed. It got so bad that for the next 7-8 years, I couldn’t step out at all without makeup. I was addicted, and I hated my face without it, just because this boy broke my heart when I was 17, and I felt it was because I was ugly.

It’s weird how I remember such specific dates and things from years back when things mattered to me, and yet I can barely remember today’s date. How things change, how life changes, and most of all, how you grow.

I just want to go back and hug my 17-year-old self from exactly 13 years ago because she was in pieces today. If I could have a conversation with her, I would tell her that she wasn’t ugly, that these things sometimes happen, and we don’t always get to be with the people we fall in love with. And not everyone you love deserves you.

I went out on my walk reluctant and a little shy. It was right after gym, I had moved my gym classes to 4 pm from six pm simply because I felt like six pm made me much lazier and because of it I’d gone by nearly two months without hitting the gym at all. Today, I finished around 5:30 pm, and as I walked back home, I thought of going for a longer walk. he sky was tempting, and being who I am, I couldn’t resist chasing the hint of sunset colors until the horizon.

However, my subconscious disagreed throughout. She kept screaming, “You just returned from the gym; you look hideous! Why are you going out, and through the marine drive for a walk? You’re nuts.”

And I almost agreed and turned back, until I saw the sky in its full glory—the cotton candy skies painted in hues of red and blue. It was perfect. And I no longer cared about the way I looked.

Then, a stranger asked me to help him with his baby carrier. He was holding the cutest bundle of joy and desperately needed someone to assist him in securing the belt from behind. And I happened to pass by. Now, this walk had more meaning than just me wandering wherever the sunset would take me.

And that means, Subconscious 0 and Ana 1. I had fun.