Even when you know they won’t come through for you, the heart still hopes a little because it still loves and can’t fathom the reality that they no longer do. So every repetitive disappointment pushes you back to the truth that you already know, yet the heart continues to deny the truth, for it loves so much and wishes he did too.

Detoxing from someone is hard—the detachment and getting used to a reality without them—and mostly walking away from the person you love more than yourself. But it’s a lesson I will forever etch in my heart.

I had loved him when I believed I didn’t have the ability to. He showed me I was capable of loving someone, and that only shows me the way forward.

I read somewhere, “Imagine just how much you could love the right person if you loved the wrong person this much.” Although I disagree, it gives me hope that one day I won’t be here. One day I will find new love again and feel new things, unimaginable things. But it just sucks right now. My heart is in pieces. It’s craving him like it craves a drug. It needs his love, like it needs oxygen pumped to its veins. Yet, he doesn’t care. He’d leave my heart out to die, and that truth hurts.

Najwa Zebian once said, “Do you really need the person who hurt you to tell you, ‘I hurt you, and I’m sorry, and I feel awful that I did it’? It’s beautiful to get it, but do you need it? Do you not know how painful the pain was when you experienced it? Do you need them to tell you how painful it was and give you permission to feel it? You don’t need it, you want it because you believe your relief is going to come when they acknowledge what they put you through.”

And she said, “Even if they do, you think it’s going to take the pain away, but it doesn’t. Because you still have to heal from that pain.”

Being starved out of love kind of kills something in you, and even if they say the person who hurt you can’t fix you, you still feel like the only person who can bring even the slightest amount of relief is just that person. So you constantly turn to them, only for them to do what they always do—leave you in the dark. And then darkness becomes your home for a while before you can open your eyes to the light.

I think what I’ve learnt isn that the things that happen to you aren’t an indication of your value.

Good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people sometimes. It’s life. 

So what we can do is just play the cards we’ve been dealt, without mourning them. Because until we can draw a new set of cards again, these are the hands we have. 

Don’t indulge in misery and self loathing. That gets you nowhere. Believing in yourself does. Doing the best you can with what you have does. 

Who knows what tomorrow’s got for us, so live all your bad days in certainty that the good ones are coming. Because it’s inevitable. There’s no bad without the good and vice versa. They both exist for each other. And you can’t have one without the other. If it weren’t for the other you couldn’t appreciate either. 

Life is worth living for all the wonderful days yet to come, and if you look around with a fresh perspective, today is pretty good too. 

You’re doing alright! 🫶🏼

Sex is the easy thing, right? It’s everywhere. You can find someone to sleep with in a second. But can you find someone who will love you just as quickly? No, that doesn’t happen. Love is scarce, while sex is abundant. So what are we really looking for? Do we search for what is scarce and end up settling for what’s just out there? Or are we so terrified of never having been loved right that we resort to sleeping around as a mechanism, shielding ourselves from our vulnerabilities?

What is life?

You know how when you jump off a moving vehicle, you gotta start running to avoid a hard fall? I feel like that’s what I’m doing right now. But what will happen when I stop? Can I keep running forever? So the things I run away from never have the chance to catch up. Or do I stop running, let them take over me, and run with the baggage of it all? It will surely slow me down, but at least I won’t be running away. I’ll just be moving forward. And I want to move forward.

Today I woke up feeling heavier than usual. And no matter what I did the feeling followed. You can visualise a rainy cloud over my head today. I feel like I’m losing control. I’ll just try to get through today hoping for a better tomorrow.

Hello friends, here I am again. Attempting to keep up a habit that is dying.

We are half way into the year, and I can say it with my whole heart that I didn’t love the first half of it. But maybe this is where things change. And I’m hoping it would. 

I’ve started to do the deep work that I so terribly owe to myself. I’m learning to be kinder towards me and be more compassionate, I’m starting to prioritize myself. I’m starting to learn to be content with myself.

I think the past few years were a whirlwind of me quickly realizing that I didn’t want to live the way I did, so I just rushed into changing everything without being patient and trusting the universe to bring me what I deserved. So instead, I was wrecking myself on shores where I didn’t belong, not understanding why I kept ending up there.

What I’m talking about is not an easy thing to do; it is real hard work, and it comes with fundamentally changing the way I view the world. And while some days I feel like I’m succeeding, other days I feel like I’m falling behind. But nevertheless, I’m trusting the light to guide me home.