Yesterday turned out to be quite the rollercoaster and an adventure. One I will remember for a long time. 

This has to be the worst part. I had plans last night and got this insane headache where I couldn’t even open my eyes, so I had to cancel and rest. Now I’m awake early in the morning, starving, with no food at home. And no one I could ring up to have breakfast with because obviously everyone’s still sleeping, and of course I’ve cut my circle to a little zero, so I don’t have many options. So do I go alone? I don’t feel like going alone. But I am starving. This is so sad.

Being sick and alone is the absolute worst thing. But it’s really my fault; I don’t like when people nurture either unless I allow them to. A woman’s troubles between wanting to be left alone and being really left alone.

Oh well. Fuck. 

But let’s contemplate them while I stay in bed until it’s 7.

Meanwhile, here’s a message to those who read my blog: thank you for reading it. I wouldn’t know why you read it, but I would hope that it’s because you relate to it on some level, and if I’m able to articulate my experiences into words in a way that allows you to understand it better, it means the world to me. I might not respond to every message you send, but I do see them, and it warms my heart. 

On that note, I’d also like to note that it’s not sympathy or pity that I seek, though I do understand how sad and blue most of what I write is. The truth is, I’m just a melancholic person, and I’m able to write better from my sadness, which is easier to channel as I’ve been sad most of my life, so that’s where the inspiration comes from.

And I write as a way of coping; I’ve done it for years, and now it’s become systematic therapy.

Thank you for reading; it means the world to me. 

Ok, so food wins, and I’m off. 🤍

Nearly half the year has gone and I think I’ve hit a writers block. I think I’ve used all my words on assignments and articles and I have nothing left for here.

Well, still sick, still pretty lonely. But okay too. Life just will never be what you want it to be. Stop chasing the wrong people. 

I decided to not go anywhere this Eid so I can save up and travel end of the year. But I think I’ll plan the next Eid trip, I can’t stay at home pitying myself next eid. And that is in June so we’ve got time.

I want to start working on my assignment but the word limit seems to have been left out by my lecturer so I will probably use that as an excuse to delay getting started on it and see what else I can do with my life.

I hope everyone’s having fun, and are happy and are surrounded by their loved ones.

Hello, it’s been forever. 16 days of no reflection but being busy with what life has to offer. I guess I didn’t have much to say. Anything I’ve been feeling, I’ve been trying my hardest to push it down because there’s no good for my feelings up here. 

It’s Eid today, and I’ve not seen another human for nearly 30 hours. I’ve been sick, lonely, and a bit sad. Eid Mubarak tho.

I heard today that when you experience trauma, you are stuck at the age when it occurred to you until you accept and deal with it.

Will that explain why I’ve been feeling or acting like a 14 year old girl during my latest 20s and earliest 30s? I’ve never felt like a little girl until now. Have I really not matured?

What about us, then? The ones that never fit it—the ones that carry too much of their sadness in their hearts and minds— What about us?

We will never be understood. We will never be loved right because no one will ever know how to. 

I don’t know why I break things. Nothing hurts me more than being left alone when Im in pieces. It spirals to a full breakdown, and then I channel that anger and sadness into a physical commotion. It’s a way of staying in control when I feel like I’m losing it. 

Nothing makes sense. I’m tired of figuring this life out. Maybe I’ve lost. 

I’m tired of fighting for your love. 

While others are new beginnings, some mornings are no different than others. Today seems fairly usual, but has the potential to be a new leaf in turning. I haven’t slept. My sleep cycle has been a mess, as usual. Living alone has been a disaster. I’ll rot away without supervision. I’ve had zero or even less motivation the past few days. I have failed to see a point to this life. Yet I wake up day after day, even if it’s at six in the evening, hoping it’ll be different. I couldn’t keep missing work any longer. So here I am, doing what I’m supposed to do. I wish I liked the life I live. And I wish I liked myself a bit more most days.

I’ve also been playing a lot of scrabble on my phone, and like anything, I got obsessed with it and started playing too many matches and overwhelmed myself. Sounds about right. That’s just what I do with everything. I ruin them.

This Ramadan is weird. My heart doesn’t seem to be in it, no matter how hard I try. Which makes me question myself even more: am I truly a lost cause?

Today is day 93. My birthday is 9.3.93. I’ll never know how my parents made that happen or how such a cute coincidence as this one fell on me. Maybe I was lucky until I was born, and then everything went wrong.