Do you know why it hurt so much?

Because by the time I met you, life had taken multiple ugly turns on me. And by then, I was tired of being strong. I was tired of all the “you’ll be fine”, “you got this”.

For once I just wanted someone to say to me, “I got you” and mean it.

I’m so tired. My cup is empty. I have nothing left to give, to live for. No matter what I do, life is consistent at letting me down. I question why I’m wound up here time after time. And I tell myself it’s my choices that lead me here and when I think back I see how I chose the best I could with what I knew and still I suffer and I feel that it’s unfair to suffer forever.

But if to suffer is what I’m meant to do then I must just do that I guess. Because we are all given this one life, and no matter what colors it entail, we must give it our best shot. Constantly losing hoping I’ll win just once. It’s a never ending gamble.

Am I the problem? Is my life the result of my own weaving? Could I do better? Could I untangle all my thoughts and re wire them? Could I let go of all my traumas and forget all my triggers?

Preach self love must be the most toxic thing when life around you treats you so ugly.