I don’t think I ever really needed a relationship. But over the last year, my group had some diversity, and I met new people. People who were in relationships, with me being the outlier. And that pressured me into believing their normal should be my normal. I wanted what they had, too. Perhaps that’s the reason why I settled so often.
But being here now and going to bed knowing no one is fucking with your heart anymore is something I’ve prayed for all the times I went to bed in tears while my heart was breaking.
I was stuck in emotional torture. And they’d often ask me, “What have I done that you’re being this way?”
And I’d just try to stop the tears from coming because, in that moment, I’d question myself about what they had indeed done. I cared so deeply for this man that I was okay with altering my reality for him. I’d believe his words over how he treated me. I’d hope so much, even when he continues to hurt me over and over again. He would hurt me and then get mad at the fact that I was hurt. I felt so weak and so pointless in his eyes. A man has never made me feel so little.
So that’s why, even if it broke my heart, I had to go. Leaving was the only way I could survive.
I’m okay with spending the rest of my life alone; I’m not okay with spending it with someone who tortures my heart.
She Was Sea 