There are moments I wish the ground would swallow me whole, tonight was such.

I thought having to spend the rest of your life explaining to someone the way you were would suck, but what sucks more is having to explain and them not understanding at all.

You just sit there feeling silly and hurt yet unable to move because you’re crippled by your own demons.

It’s a different kind of heartbreak, having to muffle your cries because you don’t want to wake them up, when they were fine going to bed, when you needed them.

Deafening silence, all too familiar horror. 

How did I end up here?

We don’t really realize how hard it is for two people with messed up childhoods and past trauma to come together and be in a peaceful and healthy relationship. None of what we’ve known has been right for us. 

And sometimes, no matter how much we know or how much we love, our anger gets the best of us.

We are all so angry at the way this life has been.

But maybe with a little more love and patience, anger will recede and compassion will win over. Just maybe. 

I couldn’t sleep last night. Should I be worried? But then I did get a little productive. This is the only work I’ve done the entire weekend. I’ve been so lazy, unable to get myself out of bed all weekend. Last week was so hectic. Maybe I couldn’t sleep because I felt so guilty over my pending tasks. 

We have another match today, the knockout one. This match needs more than luck and prayers. 

I’ll try to get some sleep before the match.

What a thrill last night’s game was. We won!! It was a lot of fun. We might have more matches after all.

Last night I went to bed feeling things I didn’t want to feel and hoping they would pass. I’m holding on too tightly.

Finally, I submitted my presentation. I haven’t even started with the tutorials of this semester yet, and my attendance is already terrible. 

But in other good news, I passed two of my modules from last semester. So yay, the other results aren’t out yet.

We have our second match today, we lost terribly last night despite me flying like we played well. Oh well. Let’s hope it goes better tonight, asking for all the luck.

And also, its our 8th month anniversary today. What a ride it is.

Ahhh I’ve procrastinated on this so much. But it still counts if I’m catching upto it right?

Things have been super hectic. I submitted my report, my presentation is now due, and I just took a bit of down time in between classes and tutorials. A girl just needs to take a breather sometimes. This coming weeks are nothing but hectic too. 

I’ve been feeling good. Weird things have happened in the last couple of days, but at the end of every day I’m getting a little closer to figuring things out. 

I know a lot of the struggles I have are due to the way I function, my unhealthy tendencies, and the way I’m wired. So I get a little lost in those bubbles and just drown in my drugs, which are usually anxiety- and depression related. And by drugs, I mean the intrusiveness that wins. 

But I’m looking forward to better days. Peace is what I’m after. I want nothing but peace and love. I don’t want conflicts and stress. But nothing is ideal so even the unlikely gets through and right to you somedays. But it gets better, right?

Today I woke up way before my alarm went off. My sleep cycle is so far on track, alhamdulillah.

I wish to be productive today. Like any other day. 

I watched this beautiful beautiful movie last night. It gave me all the warmth my heart had been missing. Mind you, I haven’t watched a movie in ages, without skipping to the end. I sat through this one. 

I had been feeling a little crazy, weird, and all that. And then I remembered this song I was obsessed with when I was about 18. I listened to it again. It’s called Crazy Girl, by Eli Young Band. It’s about a girl who gets trapped in a psychotic ward and gets saved by her boyfriend, who sings that he loves her like crazy. I don’t know why i loved the song so much, but even after 10 years, I still love it.

And then I saw this TikTok scene where a dude abandons his girlfriend, but then it gets to him and he comes back. And I was immediately intrigued. I looked it up; the film is called barefoot. The movie is about a girl that a guy meets in a psychotic world. I’m telling you, the movie and the song are like a match made in heaven. 

In my mind, I’m the crazy girl.

I’ve been constantly reminded of how broken and damaged I am. It convinces me that finding love in this world won’t be for me. 

A part of me thinks that in trying to heal myself, I became too vulnerable and allowed myself to break even more. Or I’m just tired of fighting a never ending battle with myself, my mind, and my thoughts.

It’s just 9 am. I’ll be fine. 

I love him, perhaps more than I love myself. 

I’ve put myself in a position I swore I would never put myself in again. Old habits die hard, don’t they?

Leaving was always hard, but leaving never felt impossible until now. Maybe I’ve done all the leaving I can, and now I just want to hold on. 

They’re going to sleep fine when you’re not okay. This is something I learned about 10 years ago, and having to relearn it now shows just how far I’ve fallen for an illusion of love. 

Sometimes I want to hurt them as much as they hurt me.  But I could never do that. 

The difference was that I was too afraid of losing them, and they were never afraid of leaving.

I couldn’t hurt them out of fear that I’d lose them.

Something in you dies little by little, waiting for them to care a little bit more. 

I was afraid you wouldn’t try hard enough and we’d die if I made you work for what you lost in me, and I wanted us to live so badly. I made it so easy for you.

And now I’m the one crying myself to sleep.

It’s Friday, and I woke up to a deja vu moment. One I’ve woken up to many times before. Yet everything’s changed. 

I haven’t done any work that I needed to do, and I’m behind, yet I just don’t feel like doing it. I’m hoping I’ll get into it tomorrow. 

I went for a run after a long time, and had to stop because of cramps. My cramps hardly let me go beyond 3K. Which is annoying, but hey, I can’t be mad at my body for doing everything it can to keep me going. I’ve also thrown my shoulder off with all the dodgeball practices. It was already bad, but I guess this made it worse. 

I started watching Blacklist. That’s new.