Nobody wants to be with someone who’s mentally preparing to be without you. Dropping expectations and just loving with half a heart.

Todays the worst. I feel sick. My entire body is in pain. Have been in bed all day. It sucks.

Yesterday I felt too much, today I want the opposite. I can’t have another overwhelming day. Going to cancel everything else and just go watch the sunset, or moonrise. This is my last free weekend before exams start getting on my nerves. Going to make the best of it hence.

Aaaaah it’s Friday! Well, half the day is gone; I spent it as I deserved in bed. Because that is what Fridays are for—the one day a week you can properly unwind and leave everything behind. It’s nice. I spent most of yesterday anxious and overwhelmed. I feel slightly better today, but I guess I have other worries today. The whole daily blogging thing is slightly challenging because I don’t really have enough time to sink in with a daily post, as I usually do it in the morning right before I start work. And once I start work, it’s one after the other, and then the day is over, and then there’s either classes or gym, and by then my brain can’t brain enough. So that’s why I get it out of the way in the morning. Because if I don’t do it then I probably couldn’t do it later. But it’s a fun habit in creation, it allows me to stay connected to myself a lot more. And since it’s a commitment, I’m really committed to seeing it through, So far, so good in that manner. 

I’ve been having the usual trouble with the mother, this time over a bloody chair. Honestly, when does this ever get better? It’s so taboo to talk about mothers who don’t get along with you, yet it’s actually so common. It’s just frowned upon to even consider your mothers in such an unusual way. But they too are humans, even though we put them on pedestals, and they too are flawed, just like us. So yes, sometimes it’s more challenging. 

It’s even more challenging when you’re as detached as I am. I feel like I’ve completely disconnected from familial relations. I tried to make them better, but every time I tried, it just hit me back harder in a more painful way, and finally, I decided I just couldn’t any longer. They are what they are, and I can’t force them to be what they aren’t. The pain of being from a small yet incredibly dysfunctional family is just not something I share the burden of with anyone else, so it’s like my own battlefield. And I know im no perfect daughter, but well, I tried.

Every bad day is frequently caused by the absence of a proper family and its dependencies. I keep blaming my failures on my upbringing. And yes, it’s so fucking unfair to do that when you’re a nearly 30-year-old woman. But see, the thing with my life was, as a child, I grew up and I remained strong; all my head told me to be was “you got this,” “you will make it through,” “you will be better,” and I think I manifested it just right; I survived; I was strong. I made it through. But now here I am. I’m not the strong girl I once was; I’m weak, weak as fuck, and it’s infuriating, but that is not a reality I can change. I don’t know what’s worse or what would’ve been better—would it have been better to not fight as hard for my life when I was younger? Would I have more energy in me today if I had done that? Or would I have given up sooner if I hadn’t found the courage to fight then? But I’ve used up all my courage and hope. And now there’s little to nothing left. Every time something goes wrong, I feel like a four-year-old. As a near-30-year-old woman, that is exactly how I feel, and that kills me. To have come this far in life, to have fought so long, to only come here and feel this vulnerable, helpless, weak, and sad. It’s like I want someone to take away all my problems and troubles for me so I can finally breathe, you know. I’m just really tired of being the strong, independent woman, and I no longer have it in me to be the tough one. I’m not tough anymore. I’m just done.

But maybe I messed up by setting this bar for myself, which I now can’t come back from. People expect me to come back strong, to survive, and to be fine. All I hear is, “You got this. I don’t wanna got this. I just want to be gotten. I love the song ‘Gotten’ by Slash. I relate to it so hard. But god, this millennial independent girl era is tough, you can’t just clock out and expect someone to take care of you anymore. I’m tired of counting on myself. 

Angrier today. My anger and resentment keep winning. Gratitude falls behind, and everything feels pointless.

I miss therapy. I think days like this really show how magnified the underlying emotional regulation issues I have are. And I hate them. I feel lower than zero today, if that is even possible.

Late this morning, once again. I struggled to fall asleep so much that I ended up playing a Winnie the Pooh podcast on Spotify to fall asleep. Actually, I was on TikTok before that, and there were so many stories of the Idaho murder that I needed something that would scrape that off my mind to be able to sleep. Which was a really hard task.

Today feels hectic already as I have so much lined up for the day. But at the end of the day, I’ll probably be fine, so that’s alright. Let’s hope it continues to be a pleasant morning.

I skipped work today because I had exam preparations coming up. Life is about to get busy. I honestly hate studying, I just don’t think I’m cut out for academic excellence. But this is what everyone wanted me to do, so I’m doing it. It started out for everyone else, but now it’s something I’m doing for myself. Maybe when it’s done, I will feel less of a fraud and more accomplished. It’s a small one, but it sure as hell counts. 

I’ve also been having the worst luck with sleep. How can something that is so simple be so difficult? That is insane; as if everything else wasn’t bad enough, sleep becomes a problem. It’s just unfair. 

Today I aspire to be more productive, let’s see how that goes. Woke up super sleepy despite having been in bed since 11:30 p m. I finally fell asleep around 3 a.m. It’s just like that sometimes. Falling asleep is a bit of struggle some nights. Or maybe it was because I had a nap earlier.

Let’s see what today brings. Hopefully all things positive.

Also, cab drivers and their audacity. He refused to drop me infront of my office as he wanted to go the other way? How do men have this much audacity.

One of my resolutions for the year is to write daily mini blogs. Just as a way to connect with myself more.

So here goes the first one. Last night was absolutely amazing. I met a ton of new people and had the best, most surprisingly good time ever. Fireworks, dancing, massages, beaches, and sunsets. It couldn’t be more perfect. 

The only thing that went wrong was that the DJ we were at forgot their stupid countdown, which meant I didn’t get to enjoy it, so when the fireworks went off, I was completely surprised, almost as if an entire year had passed without closure. But oh well. It’s been a great year. The last six months were the best they could be. It’s the most loved I’ve felt in so long. Hopefully many more years of that to come. 

I’m looking forward to this year. To become a better version of myself, to build better relationships, to heal. To communicate better. I really will try; even if I don’t accomplish them, I will try my best. And that’s a start.