I slept the entire day and more. I’m not okay. Too much is weighing on my mind, and I’m in dire need for relief.

 I don’t think it was my fault. She pushed it to the limit, and I felt embarrassed of what I had done. She made me feel like what I had was not good or aesthetic enough. So much so that she had to go through all the trouble just to get it done, simply because mine wouldn’t be pretty enough for the picture. 

It was hurtful, to be honest. What I’d done might not have been much in comparison to hers, but it was the best I could do, and I’d done it with love. Ideally, that should be enough, but it clearly isn’t. And it’s not even the disagreement; it’s the cold, silent treatment afterwards that was brutal. I’d simply gotten upset over how she made me feel, and when I expressed that, she was upset over me apparently taking it ‘personally’. Why are you taking it so personally? she asked. I don’t know how else I should take it when it is indeed personal. What comes from me is personal to me; therefore, the way you criticize it will be taken personally. Especially when it wasn’t just one instance but a series. 

You know, I’ve always had this idea that if you loved people and cared for them, you couldn’t be cruel to them. Even if you were upset with them. And those that can be cruel don’t probably love or care for you in the way you might have thought. This is a lovely lesson to learn the second time around. God knows the amount of therapy I needed to recover from the first one. Standing up to someone who’s used to getting their way is honestly terrifying. Constant condescension can be a hard pit to climb out of. 

I don’t know why I hate the sun so much. Some days, it feels like my eyes weren’t made for sunlight. 

I slept last night, took a sleeping pill. I just couldn’t mess up today. I don’t know how I fell asleep. But I did. Sometimes you have to push your body into doing things it is supposed to do, so this was like that. Pushing my body into sleep. 

In the shower today, I considered what I would do if I was diagnosed with cancer. Would I fight for my life? Would I tell anyone? Do I really think my life is worth saving and investing all that money into? I really don’t. I thought of this when I thought one of my boobs hurt. Well, it’s probably nothing. 

It’s Thursday today. That’s always exciting. End of a barely week. I do have my exam on Monday, and this weekend is prep time. I do hate studying so much. I resent everyone who got me into this when it gets hard. But maybe when I’m done, I’ll be grateful they pushed me into it. But I think the part that I hate most right now is that what I’m studying has little relevance to my current job. That’s just frustrating. When I moved back, I was already done with my first semester. And everyone was like, ‘now that you’ve started, don’t stop. And then, when I joined corporate I didn’t think it would be hard to study something else and do something else altogether. It is. But that’s what life is sometimes like, right? It’s unplanned and full of surprises. You never know where you’ll be a year from now, and that mystery is almost alluring. 

I haven’t slept. I don’t know what’s wrong, but something is. Falling asleep shouldn’t be this hard, should it? I’m more awake than I was the whole of yesterday or even last night. It feels like 10 pm for my biological clock. I stayed in bed since 1 am, and finally, around 4 am I got out and cleaned my room, and bathroom, and even sorted out half my closet, hoping that if I did that, sleep would come easily. I showered. I washed my hair for the first time in days, hoping that would make the headache go away.

For the past two years, I’ve had these episodes on and off. But I always thought once I had a better routine in my life, it would fix itself. But it seems like it hasn’t. I’m a seasonal insomniac, I guess.

I’ll go back to bed; today is another working day, and I can’t miss it. I dread the morning sun because I know my eyes can’t handle it after the night they’ve had. I hate how bright the days are.

It’s nearly 12 pm and it feels like early morning for me. Maybe because I couldn’t sleep till after 6 am. I hate my sleep cycle. I just might consider sleeping pills at this point. But it’s possible that my habits are preventing me from developing a proper routine. And maybe it’s stress, everything’s chaotic. I can’t wait to have a good day, and today doesn’t feel like one even though it just started. I want to stay positive, but today just doesn’t feel like it. 

I wrote this on my way to work this morning and forgot about it the minute I got in, and then the day got in the way. The rest of the day was me trying to recover my sleep. Well, better late than never, right? I also deleted TikTok this morning after I realized my screen time was going up by hours every day. So no more of that.

Oh wow, I almost forgot today. I had my exams today. It went pretty okay. But I’m not; I feel nauseous. It’s annoying how I’m not even a little relieved because I won’t be until February is over. There are so many deadlines and so many reports, and work is about to get crazy too, and I can’t even plan my birthday with everything that’s going on. Ah well. I hope it gets easier.

Ah, it’s taken me days to even start exam prep. These are my exam weeks, and I want to do everything but study. I’ve always disliked or struggled with studying. It’s just not my thing, but I can’t also fail after investing as much time and money as I already have.

I’ve already ordered a bunch of food that I didn’t really want, just hoping I’d feel better enough to study. But nope. It’s just triggering my binge eating and doing nothing else.

Either way, I’ll keep trying to get into my books. I also did a voiceover today, which was fun. Let’s wait and see how it turns out.

Late entry, late day. My sleep cycle is suffering immensely. I was up past 5 am too last night, unable to sleep, scrolling through endless TikToks.

Today, the words aren’t coming like they usually do. I have nothing.

I went to my second cousin’s birthday party yesterday, walked into a room full of people alone to witness all the things I’ll never have in life, I guess.

Today is Friday the 13th, and I’m going to bed at 8 am. I’d been up all night doing everything, yet somehow nothing. I lived inside my head, confined by four concrete walls. Felt like years, yet it was just one night. I’ve been trying to clean my room since around 10 pm, and bit by bit I’m just done. It’s not even a big cleaning, it’s just the daily one. I kept getting distracted and interrupted. I ended up making a bunch of tiktoks to make myself feel better. But I forgot how editing videos always triggered my anxiety as I heard them over and over again. 

Well, my brain is no longer working. I’ll try to sleep and hopefully wake up sane.

Maybe he’s one of the good guys, isn’t he? 

Maybe he won’t cut me open like the rest did.

Maybe he does see me beyond my chaos and all the thoughts that run wild that cause me to collapse under the weight of my own lungs.

Just, maybe.