Aaaaah it’s Friday! Well, half the day is gone; I spent it as I deserved in bed. Because that is what Fridays are for—the one day a week you can properly unwind and leave everything behind. It’s nice. I spent most of yesterday anxious and overwhelmed. I feel slightly better today, but I guess I have other worries today. The whole daily blogging thing is slightly challenging because I don’t really have enough time to sink in with a daily post, as I usually do it in the morning right before I start work. And once I start work, it’s one after the other, and then the day is over, and then there’s either classes or gym, and by then my brain can’t brain enough. So that’s why I get it out of the way in the morning. Because if I don’t do it then I probably couldn’t do it later. But it’s a fun habit in creation, it allows me to stay connected to myself a lot more. And since it’s a commitment, I’m really committed to seeing it through, So far, so good in that manner. 

I’ve been having the usual trouble with the mother, this time over a bloody chair. Honestly, when does this ever get better? It’s so taboo to talk about mothers who don’t get along with you, yet it’s actually so common. It’s just frowned upon to even consider your mothers in such an unusual way. But they too are humans, even though we put them on pedestals, and they too are flawed, just like us. So yes, sometimes it’s more challenging. 

It’s even more challenging when you’re as detached as I am. I feel like I’ve completely disconnected from familial relations. I tried to make them better, but every time I tried, it just hit me back harder in a more painful way, and finally, I decided I just couldn’t any longer. They are what they are, and I can’t force them to be what they aren’t. The pain of being from a small yet incredibly dysfunctional family is just not something I share the burden of with anyone else, so it’s like my own battlefield. And I know im no perfect daughter, but well, I tried.

Every bad day is frequently caused by the absence of a proper family and its dependencies. I keep blaming my failures on my upbringing. And yes, it’s so fucking unfair to do that when you’re a nearly 30-year-old woman. But see, the thing with my life was, as a child, I grew up and I remained strong; all my head told me to be was “you got this,” “you will make it through,” “you will be better,” and I think I manifested it just right; I survived; I was strong. I made it through. But now here I am. I’m not the strong girl I once was; I’m weak, weak as fuck, and it’s infuriating, but that is not a reality I can change. I don’t know what’s worse or what would’ve been better—would it have been better to not fight as hard for my life when I was younger? Would I have more energy in me today if I had done that? Or would I have given up sooner if I hadn’t found the courage to fight then? But I’ve used up all my courage and hope. And now there’s little to nothing left. Every time something goes wrong, I feel like a four-year-old. As a near-30-year-old woman, that is exactly how I feel, and that kills me. To have come this far in life, to have fought so long, to only come here and feel this vulnerable, helpless, weak, and sad. It’s like I want someone to take away all my problems and troubles for me so I can finally breathe, you know. I’m just really tired of being the strong, independent woman, and I no longer have it in me to be the tough one. I’m not tough anymore. I’m just done.

But maybe I messed up by setting this bar for myself, which I now can’t come back from. People expect me to come back strong, to survive, and to be fine. All I hear is, “You got this. I don’t wanna got this. I just want to be gotten. I love the song ‘Gotten’ by Slash. I relate to it so hard. But god, this millennial independent girl era is tough, you can’t just clock out and expect someone to take care of you anymore. I’m tired of counting on myself.