I kept looking back, hoping you would notice me.
But there I was, non-existent to you,
Praying, hoping and aching, for you to see me too.

I’ve been dreading writing, not wanting to write at all, after realizing how much of myself I reveal to those who read these, half of whom have the worst of their intentions. And it’s only now, however regrettably, that I’ve come to comprehend the true nature of most people.

It was refreshing yet unsettling to observe how careless and unkind some choose to be, yet it is the fact of our society.

Hazelnut Lattes & Pain - both of which stay in my system for far too long.

It’s 04:09 am to be exact. I should be sleeping, but I’m not. I’m fully clothed in my gym wear, ready to set out for a run, after struggling to sleep for a good part of tonight. Now might be a great time to get myself checked out for insanity, is this where I finally lose it?

My lack of sleep is due to the dozen hazelnut lattes I’ve had in the past several weeks; my latest poison. I don’t drink coffee for a reason, and this is it. Although I haven’t noticed any tremors, coffee, like pain, lingers in my system for far too long. And I suppose it adds up, just like pain. I’ve been having trouble sleeping for weeks, and it’s both familiar and worrying since I’ve had a couple of these episodes in the past few years, and it’s a sign that something is really wrong.

If you’re wondering why a girl clothed in her running gear sat down to write this, it’s because it seemed too dark and too early, to be out jogging alone. The minute I was about to step outside, I grew nervous and felt unsafe. So I sat down and ran with my thoughts instead. Unfortunately for my body, this burns zero body fat.

But maybe now that it’s almost 05 am, it might be a little safe out there? Oh what a paradox. I can’t believe I got out of bed and got into my gym bra only to end up writing this.

Doing the right thing can sometimes make you feel so lonely.

Not going after the people you love, not fighting for love, and ultimately letting them go. Because they weren’t meant for you.

Can reality pause for a moment? I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t think I’m ready to face that I have to go back to a place where we are strangers again. The same airport you dropped me off at now I set foot in knowing we’ll never speak again. And what kills me is not knowing why.