This battle keeps getting really tiring. After all of the work I’ve put in and continue to put in, I find myself falling for someone who can’t accept the life I’ve led. And as I write it, I feel as if I’ve committed plenty of unspeakable sins, which I may have, but I have always thought of myself as someone who did the best I could, with what was thrown my way. I don’t expect people to comprehend my history or understand why I’ve done half the things that I’ve done. To mildly put it, everything I’ve done was for survival – I’m alive because of my choices. And that is why I’m not going to keep apologizing for who I am; if I go down that road I’d hang. So I try to not go there, I have this life to live and that I have to do that with myself by my side, and if I start loathing my very own existence and the essence of who I am, I would never move forward.
Yes, I’ve had more than my fair share of adversity, yet I’ve always triumphed. Even though bruised and battered, I always got back up, and I refuse to give up because there’s no purpose in giving up. I may have lost control of my life, yet I continue to do the best I can with what’s left of me. If I admit to myself that I’m embarrassed and ashamed of myself for everything I’ve had to endure and go through, I’ll be further away from self-love. And it would become increasingly challenging to love and respect myself. It’s even worse when all the terrible things you think of yourself are being used as reasons by the person you love, to not be with you.
I often wouldn’t accept criticism for something I can’t reverse – the past. I’ve admitted that I’m not the easiest person to be with and that loving someone like me and not hating me for it takes a special kind of fortitude. And that’s not something I find often. And I resent the fact that I’m insulting myself right now for losing him, but that’s what happens when you lose battles you truly want to win.
No matter what, I will always love myself. And I must if I am to survive. And that’s what I do. Being kind and compassionate towards myself is the very least I can do, after everything.
She Was Sea 