They say I’m aiming for nothing but heartache.

But, little do they know, you’re my piece of heaven.
You’re the only language my heart knows.
It’s you, you and you.

I’m no expert despite having been in the field for way too long. But with this one, I find myself unable to identify how right or wrong we are for each other. What stands out about him is how I’m drawn to him. Even in chaos. A year ago I found myself unwilling to compromise or change – and I’d always told myself that was because I didn’t want any of them badly enough – or that my identity was more important to me than what someone could give me. However, a year later, I find myself changed. I want nothing more than something genuine, a love that will make everything worthwhile in the end.

He has more than my heart, he has my soul.

This battle keeps getting really tiring. After all of the work I’ve put in and continue to put in, I find myself falling for someone who can’t accept the life I’ve led. And as I write it, I feel as if I’ve committed plenty of unspeakable sins, which I may have, but I have always thought of myself as someone who did the best I could, with what was thrown my way. I don’t expect people to comprehend my history or understand why I’ve done half the things that I’ve done. To mildly put it, everything I’ve done was for survival – I’m alive because of my choices. And that is why I’m not going to keep apologizing for who I am; if I go down that road I’d hang. So I try to not go there, I have this life to live and that I have to do that with myself by my side, and if I start loathing my very own existence and the essence of who I am, I would never move forward.

Yes, I’ve had more than my fair share of adversity, yet I’ve always triumphed. Even though bruised and battered, I always got back up, and I refuse to give up because there’s no purpose in giving up. I may have lost control of my life, yet I continue to do the best I can with what’s left of me. If I admit to myself that I’m embarrassed and ashamed of myself for everything I’ve had to endure and go through, I’ll be further away from self-love. And it would become increasingly challenging to love and respect myself. It’s even worse when all the terrible things you think of yourself are being used as reasons by the person you love, to not be with you.

I often wouldn’t accept criticism for something I can’t reverse – the past. I’ve admitted that I’m not the easiest person to be with and that loving someone like me and not hating me for it takes a special kind of fortitude. And that’s not something I find often. And I resent the fact that I’m insulting myself right now for losing him, but that’s what happens when you lose battles you truly want to win.

No matter what, I will always love myself. And I must if I am to survive. And that’s what I do. Being kind and compassionate towards myself is the very least I can do, after everything.

I love you was a lie, so was I miss you, and I like you. Why’d you have to lie? Why were your lies so necessary when I didn’t even need them? I would’ve settled for a sweet nothing instead of this hole you’ve left me with.

You are a mistake my heart is going to take a while to recover from and not because it was that great but because of all the dreams you made me look forward to, the build-up was well strategized or poorly thought through – or you just didn’t fucking care. For your selfish needs, your pathetic ass chose to cast me away. You came into my life – and you chose to leave too. I could’ve really done without having known you because you’ve been such a fucking waste that’s given me nothing but more issues to heal from.

Give me back the smile you took from me, the one you thought was bloody gorgeous that you could never get enough off, the one you couldn’t stop raving about – the smile you stole and completely shattered. Remember how concerned you used to be about my well-being? Do you recall how you used to ask if I was happy? And that was the most important thing to you? Do you recall lying to my face like that was your greatest strength? Do you recall swindling my heart for nothing more than your ignorance in the end?

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you oh I fucking hate you.

But I don’t at all. You see, unlike you, none of it was a lie to me. My heart was literally in your hands when I begged you not to destroy it, and you fucking smashed it even when I begged you not to. What bothers me is how easy it was for you – cold and emotionless, the polar opposite of who you pretended to be at first. I’m not sure where your game began, but I’m sure I know where it ends. I was smitten by your Oscar-winning performance – a portrayal of a rather infatuated boy – and I’ll admit, the act was truly terrific. Because I immediately sank into the pit you dug just for me. How special. God, you were a fuckboy, weren’t you? You’ve wrecked my time and emotions, and you’ve taken everything you don’t need from me for no reason at all – and you’re not even a little bit sorry. Fucking narc.

Give me back my confidence. Give me back every inch of my body you took. Return my cycle to me, and return me to the person I was before I met you. Give it all, give all you took from me that wasn’t yours. Pieces of myself you never respected, valued or honoured. Give that to me, you filthy thief. Your arrogance was both embarrassing and degrading. I absolutely despise you. I fucking hate you.

It’s 4 a.m., and I’m not sure what I’m doing, but I’m definitely cursing the day I met you. And I’ll keep doing so until I’ve forgotten everything about you. Yeah, I think I’m a little annoyed with you because you left. But I’m angrier with you for loving first, which you shouldn’t have done. Because I didn’t need your goddamn love, but you made me believe you did, and I was happy, and just when I’d convinced myself you were real, you ran away like the bloody coward you were.

I wish I wasn’t so angry with you. However, I am. I’ll be here for a while. And you’ve earned every breath of it.

You fed on my vulnerability like a goddamn parasite.

It’s just a lesson, right? A reminder that humanity doesn’t really exist when they see you as nothing but an object to use and throw away.

I mean, I don’t even blame him. I blame myself for not loving and respecting myself enough. I wasn’t taught to manipulate people into deeper connections. I know I’ve been through a load of shit and have never really been able to love myself the way I should, I try, but it just hasn’t happened as much as it should. And it’s bloody unfair that people just feel free to parade over my life just because I gave them a chance, a chance they asked for, was desperate for. Like I’m this shiny thing everyone wants a piece of – but I’m better admired from a distance. Because up close everything gets pretty real. And real usually scares people away.

And now I’m here struggling to heal, while he’s doing bloody fine. I write to cope, I let this shit out here so I can go to bed at night with a lighter heart. Losing someone you shared your world with even for a bit just stinks, especially when I was caught completely blindsided. I did not see it coming. I try to look for reasons, a sort of justification so that I can understand it myself, instead, all I have is nothing but confusion.

The reason he’s such a letdown is that he was meant to be a safer option. Because it is safer when someone likes you and approaches you. We end up preferring those who are already interested in us rather than going after someone we want. That’s what happened when you’ve been shot down so many times. And it appears to be a good thing until it isn’t, since for some, these chases are like conquests designed to boost their ego. For them, girls aren’t just girls; they’re trophies and prizes to be shown in their score cards among their animal friends. So, in this quest, they promise the world – anything for the win – the prize that is you. And in the end they leave you, nothing but compromised. After endless lies of “I’m different” and “oh baby, I would never do that to you”, fucking lies my humble heart couldn’t help but get smitten by. 

I know I sound bitter, but it’s only day 3, I think I’m allowed that.

You gave me everything but the things you promised – from trust issues, dead flowers, after pills to haunting memories.

There should be a new word for broken because broken isn’t cutting it anymore. I feel used and stripped down to my lowest. I never learn. I never play the game, so naturally, I never win too. I’ve always hated the idea of having to play these psychological manipulative games they just feel unnatural to me, but maybe that is the only way to look out for yourself. Because when you give it to them on a silver platter, all they do is take you for granted, they don’t even value you or cherish you. You’re less than zero. All I’ve ever wanted was for someone to see me for who I really am, and still love me either way.

I know I’ll continue to wake up day after day, do what I have to do, even when I’m falling into pieces with every breath. That’s just life. But god, how I wish for this to go away now.

I know this revolves around one singular break-up, where one man who just wasn’t man enough couldn’t be bothered to look me in the eye and be honest with me. He ended up playing with the very last piece of me that lived. I bet he sleeps okay, I bet he doesn’t dread waking up. I bet the lies told don’t really haunt him. I bet he’s out there fooling someone else too. I bet he can still go on and about without his emotions pulling him apart. I bet he never meant it when he said he loved me. That’s such a hard pill to swallow, to think everything you thought and believed about a person was a complete lie, scam, fraud.

To quote Olivia, “You betrayed me, and I know that you’ll never feel sorry
for the way I hurt”, yeah. Bet you’re having the last laugh, aren’t you?

This was the coldest love I’d ever known. This was also the most deceiving.

Just when I could outline your face with eyes closed, you left my hands without an object. Traces of a love that could never be.

Stories of lust, lies, betrayal and mistrust.