She Was Sea

This one’s coming from the heart, after a very long time.

I’m no longer proud of what I write, there was a time I used to be. They’re now infinite patterns of everything that’s happened once, caught in mere loops of deja-vu or not this bullshit again. People question how I can have dated around so much yet have failed to settle down? The truth is it wasn’t something I took that seriously until very recently, but the reason also was that I didn’t quite meet the type. I didn’t attract the let me wife you type. Means I wasn’t the type either. So if I didn’t meet the type and wasn’t the type myself, why would I force a settlement? There isn’t a soul I would trust with my life. And it’s just not my life, it’s me. My heart and soul, all that I am. I won’t just bet on it and roll a dice, leave it up to chance. I won’t gamble with my future, not like that anyway. I just haven’t found my person. Maybe they are out there, maybe they aren’t. Whatever the reason, I’m okay with everything for how they are now. I’ll manage.

I haven’t met anyone who’d give their all to make me happy or make me the kind of priority I wanted to be. Or understood me nearly as well as I’d like to be understood. I guess I expect too much from the current trend. But it’s also never going to make sense for me to settle down for any less than I desire. I give my best to those I care about, and I expect the same in return. There have been many times my best wasn’t deemed good enough and I accept it. I’m surely not everyone’s cup of tea. Hell, I’m not even my own cup of tea most days, but I go on. And isn’t going on the best you can do somedays? I think that counts as your 100%. Simply going on, even on the days that you feel like you cannot anymore.

I’ve never needed anyone desperately enough, I’m quite okay on my own. Sure I get lonely, but I won’t be caught dead in something that’s wrong for me. Not anymore. I’ve made some terrible choices in the past. Took chances on hopeless loves. Stayed with people I didn’t completely love. Begged for people to love me. Done it all and all of that’s in the past now. I just won’t do that anymore.

Currently, I’m happily waiting for my Big love and super done with these little romances. I’m ready to wait forever if that’s what it takes. I don’t want scrapes of love, I want all of it. I want it all or I want none. I won’t settle – not when it comes to love. My whole life revolves around loving and being loved. I dream of proper reciprocation but no rush.

Loving was never a mistake I made, but trusting was and so was believing. I’d like to think I’ve learned enough lessons, more than.

My dating history was thrown at me recently with an excuse to “just bring up the fact”, obviously I felt terrible. But what am I supposed to do, apologize for it? Sorry that I kept looking for love in the wrong arms, over and over again? I’m not sorry. I’m grateful for all my encounters. Loved and lost, betrayed and let go. All of it. I am thankful. Thankful for the chances I took, thankful for the lessons.

I’m not sorry for walking away from things that weren’t serving me. Never sorry for walking away from people who made me feel little. Never sorry for not settling for less. Never sorry that I’m quite content on my own and not afraid to walk away. I’m not afraid to be alone. I’ve grown to like me, maybe someday I’ll even fall in love with me. Who knows, it’s all exciting and new, this romance with myself. I treat her right. And I hope to do so always. Finally giving myself the chance I should’ve given her a long ago. And I deserve all of it.