I don’t know which parts of it were real, or which parts of it I wanted to be real. I put on my finest smile and lived a brief fairytale as if I were an actress in a play.
Then came tonight, he came over.
Seeing him walk through the same hallways that you once used to – was somehow too much. I waited where I always stood, my heart sinking as he made his way to me. He wasn’t you. He didn’t have your smile or your eyes. I tried to gather myself and keep myself from spiralling into the void of your absence. It’s been so long since you, then why do I miss you, why do I get sad it’s no longer you listening to my stories, it’s no longer you caring, it’s no longer you giving a damn.
My heart misses you because it’s clearly stupid, and she says she’s never loved anybody the way she loves you, and I believe her because I feel different when she thinks of you.
But it’s evident that she doesn’t want to accept that you couldn’t give me what I wanted, no matter how much you wanted to. I thank her for that.
My life has become a charade ever since you. I’ve been either running to or from you – and I’m tired, so tired. So tired of being hopelessly in love with you. So tired of seeking distractions in others hoping to forget you but I never do. I never do. I never forget you. I never stop looking for you in crowds, I never stop wondering what you’re doing. I never stop wanting you.
She Was Sea 