They all want you when they can’t have you.
And when they finally have you, they are done wanting you.

Can I talk to you about my day?
Can I use you, like you use me?
Take my mind and body, just give me your soul.
And while you fill me, I just need you to listen.

Another Goodbye

Thursday nights in my bed
Running around in my head
Wishing you were here
Laying so close to near

Longing whispers in my ear
Lies I long to hear
Your cold I love you’s
So out of the blue

I sink and I die
I scream and I cry
Hoping this is the last I trace your face
Hoping this is the last I chase your grace

Don’t you wonder what I swore?
When you walked out the door
Washing your sins with corrupted morale
Leaving behind your desired femme fatale

As you ran from me
Turning away from my plea
Done with your loving and lying
Leaving my broken heart in a sting

Here I lay
Unable to pray
Stained in places my hands won’t reach
Surely nor your moral ground would preach

Hands tied in lace
Tongue-tied in prays

I sigh, ‘Goodbye’.

Breakups are the worst. The general sense of apathy, of not being motivated to accomplish anything, of not having the energy to explain your breakup to your friends, of not wanting to relive it. Staying home, in your bed, in your only haven, safe from reality. Hiding from the world and sinking deeper and deeper in your sorrows until you question your existence and loathe your life.

I’m not sure why everything I get into is so short-lived. I really do wonder that what it is about me that is so inherently flawed that I end up here over and over again. Oh, no. I’m not really supposed to say that. Instead of feeling like an immense failure every time things take a U-turn, I’ve been advised that I should be kinder to myself and be there for myself more in these times. But where it gets tough is the way my mind is wired it rebuts any positives and refuges in the negatives. When things don’t work out I worry that I’ll never be loved the right way, that my expectations are too high, and that I don’t deserve much. And every time something fails, a little bit more is lost. And finally, I devolve into a void of emptiness with no reason to exist. I know, that’s a stretch, but you’d understand too if you could hear the thoughts that unfurl in this head of mine. That is exactly how it feels. No exaggeration. I’m most prone to self-destruction here in my lows.

To live without you is to battle addiction. I’ll never be ready to let go. That’s why I need to rip my own heart out because that is the only way I will survive.

I felt nothing for a time after it stung.

My silence was unintentional; I lacked the words as they’d all been used up.

I’d said what I had to say and couldn’t think of anything further to add. You see, I’d said everything I could possibly say. I didn’t want to sound like a broken record. That was something I couldn’t put myself through again.

And so, I sat in silence and made it my own hell.

Perhaps you met me just as I was getting myself up off the floor where I had fallen, when I didn’t know how to stand on both legs, let alone keep still without disintegrating into a million separate sub-pieces every time I was even slightly hurt.

What’s sad about you is you weren’t the one to stay. 

Been wracking my brain numb wondering what inside me broke so much that I had to become this needy and vulnerable. This isn’t me at all and anyone who knew me would agree. I’m not one to break down like this. But I do now. And I’ve finally realised what it has been that caused this chain of detriment. They’ve been my friendships. How their blatant ignorance when I needed them the most crushed my soul beyond repair. And like all times before, I’m not going to call them out on it or even tell them what it was that hurt me the most. It’s done and dusted and I’ve moved on curating my life in a more comfortable and safe space that only allows me to breathe freely. No one else, just me.

So maybe it’s not too far fetched that I’d find this new comfort to be my whole world. It’s maybe not stupid at all that I’d give myself away entirely because I don’t have anything that’s holding me back. I’m free to move to new worlds and new relationships, new lives and new experiences. To heal and mend the wounds of my past in these arms.