After yesterday’s torture and living on the same land with less than 700 people trying to ignore your existence because you suffocate me.. I woke up today and pretended to be okay because I’m done crying about it. Headed over to breakfast to have a normal day. 

*ping* text message. From you. Damn you. Because the two other messages I left unopened and unread wasn’t enough.

My friend looks at me like she knows shit is about to go down. I don’t open the message, because I don’t have the strength to. It showed on the notification bar anyway..

“Not to ruin your day. Think twice before you spread rumours.” 

Ummm… geee thanks, I mean thanks that you care enough about my day. Wait, what though? Was this a threat? Does this sound like a threat?

This was the equivalent of UMM I DON’T MEAN TO BE RUDE BUT CAN YOU LIKE DIE. 

OKK soooo, I’m assuming it isn’t enough that I barely have any friends or barely talk to people anymore. He completely isolated me from myself and the life I had. I have no social life anymore and cry myself to sleep every night because it hurts to be this broken. But the problem is that I spread rumours about you? Hm. 

I don’t know what you want. One of these days I’ll ask you to fucking kill me maybe that will make all of this go away. I can’t fucking live with myself with what you put me through. Don’t you get it? I’m losing my shit and you know what you’re doing and you’re doing it anyway because you can’t fucking stand my sanity. I love you I want you to die I love you I want you to die I love you I want you to die. Doesn’t make sense, does it?

1. Let me tell the world, everything about you. These aren’t rumours. These are all the truths I know. 
2. Loved me. Beyond what this world showed you, you loved me. Or so I thought. (Because if you ever loved me even for a fucking second you can’t do what you are doing to me now). So maybe, you never loved me at all.

I didn’t love you, at first. I admired you. I was in awe of you. I hoped I could love you. I got so close, and then one day I did. I loved you beyond sanity. 

But in between all of that. I fought so hard to make you understand. I fought so hard to make you believe I was all yours and I was always going to be yours. But no, you wouldn’t believe me. I finally had it, I just couldn’t anymore. I was suffocating and my panic attacks were a joke to you. I called the shots. I said we were done. 

The next morning I woke up with nausea and the universe mocking me. It wasn’t just me anymore. I needed you, obviously. But I wasn’t in love with you. I couldn’t be in love with you after the way you treated me. 

But you wouldn’t marry me. You needed the abortion to happen to avoid any legal complications. Broke my heart really, but okay. Then I cheated on you. Sorry. 

And then I cheated on him with you, sorry for both of you. But damn this girl was running high on hormones and alcohol at this point. 

But you took me back, didn’t you. Said you loved me didn’t you. I said I loved you too didn’t I. But then another drunken night and you blurt out how I wronged you and I couldn’t stand it. The guilt was eating me up. I couldn’t stand wasting the best years of my life like this. It was over once again. 

I was lost, hurt, broken. My body was going through all sorts of fucked up and I questioned my existence every day.

Months passed, I realized how much I loved you so. I gave up everything you asked me to. Friends, Instagram, this very blog and a part of myself. I had to become wife material otherwise the man I loved would run off with his angel of an ex who sent me a recording of him telling her how much he wanted to be with her. The joke’s on me anyway because I was too deep in to let him go so I overlooked it. Nothing I did was good enough though. Everything you’d done wrong didn’t matter, because all that mattered was I loved you and I wanted to be with you. All the times you touched me when I didn’t want to be touched, all the times you fucked me when I didn’t want to be fucked. All of this was okay because I was blinded, wasn’t I?

You claimed to love me but you broke me. You used me, you abused your power over me and made sure I would die without you. 

Everything you ever bought me, you asked for it back because you couldn’t stand to be a decent human being. Your stupid iPhone, stupid books with meaningless love quotes, stupid letters and scrapbooks with nothing but endless lies. Because, if you loved me, you wouldn’t be the one behind the trigger. If you loved me, you wouldn’t get your highs from my lows.

These are all the truths I know.

You did cheat on me – that’s a fact and not something I’ve actually said out loud to anyone ever, until right now. Sorry, not sorry. 

You are such a nice person underneath all your layers, instead, you become this toxic, ego-driven narcissist. Not a rumour, only the truth. 

Maybe when I die you’ll finally stop. Would you?