I don’t want to despise you, and I don’t want you to despise me. I don’t know how it is for you – but it hasn’t been easy for me. Carrying the skeletons of this relationship. It’s been weighing heavily on my mind. All of the mistakes we made, all of the dead ends that led to agony and despair.
You’re one of the most significant relationships I’ve had in my lifetime and the one relationship I invested so much of myself in, and I know that is true for you too. That is the reason why I can’t go on if you’re going to be someone I’m not on the best of terms with. Can we make peace with each other, for my sake? I don’t see how else I can go on.
There’s so much conflict but there’s also love. I know it’s hard to believe that I loved you with all of what I could. I know you don’t understand me the way I’d like you to and I won’t hold that against you.
Truth is, my heart aches that we are what we are to each other now. Lovers with a bad history. I wasn’t nearly perfect and there are so many reasons for that but no excuses. As I go on with my life I understand more and more, why I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be. And that is a lifelong battle for us. One we would never see eye to eye with. But for the good times, even though brief, can we call this a truce? I’m tired of self-loathing. I know this is selfish to ask because it’s so that I don’t hurt when I think of you.
I think of you quite often and fondly too, but pain resides alongside our memories. And I’m so sorry for all the times that I hurt you. I’m so sorry for all the times that I blamed you. Truth is, I was to blame equally and maybe more. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be better. I was young and naive and felt cornered and suffocated. My mental health was arguably the most significant roadblock, one that I was unaware of and that you didn’t believe in. There was such a disconnect, and I brought so much humiliation upon myself as a result of it.
I am in pain, so much pain. And you’re not responsible but all I ask is that you ease it for me a little, just part on more kinder words than we have. For good.
We’ve been apart for over two years and there’s been no closure for me. That is my struggle. And that is what I’m asking, for a better end for us. Lay the remains of what we were to rest, at ease.
I can’t go on knowing that you despise me, for the way I am. I know it’s a bit unfair to ask, but I’ve been carrying you in my heart for far too long. I need to let you go. I wish I knew how I could, but parting on good terms is maybe the place to start.
She Was Sea 