With hopes of love and commitment, I’d cornered my heart into a losing war.

The irony of it all is that I remember when I told him I couldn’t come close to another soul afraid that I might hurt them as I had a pattern of doing so recently, he without losing a breath said, “hurt me”. And by that, I only interpreted his willingness and not his carelessness. And so, I was the one who got hurt instead. He walked away with just a lose sorry hanging from his lips while I cried myself to sleep; for giving myself to someone who cared about nothing but one singular moment.

I call it the fairytale we couldn’t claim.

We’ve made rounds and rounds around with no alternative endings. It’s the same every time. There’s guilt and pain. We can’t be this selfish forever. I wish we lived in a world where remorse didn’t exist and we could just go on and on and live for our sakes.

Nothing but love for you always, and a little bit of disappointment for finding you much too late. Now you cannot be mine to claim cuz you don’t even belong to yourself. You’re hers and I’m my own. Love doesn’t always win. Life has its own plans.

I’ve said this many times, and I’ll say it again. Hopefully for the last time, if you’re ever your own person again, I’ll be thrilled and jump at the chance to see this through for the sake of everything we’ve been to each other. It’s a shame this connection has to go to waste. But we’ve come so far to realize that it’s time to accept neither of us is brave or heartless enough to crush someone else’s world so ours can exist.

I love you so much. But that’s it. I love, and that’s all I can do. Love till I can’t anymore.

After yesterday’s torture and living on the same land with less than 700 people trying to ignore your existence because you suffocate me.. I woke up today and pretended to be okay because I’m done crying about it. Headed over to breakfast to have a normal day. 

*ping* text message. From you. Damn you. Because the two other messages I left unopened and unread wasn’t enough.

My friend looks at me like she knows shit is about to go down. I don’t open the message, because I don’t have the strength to. It showed on the notification bar anyway..

“Not to ruin your day. Think twice before you spread rumours.” 

Ummm… geee thanks, I mean thanks that you care enough about my day. Wait, what though? Was this a threat? Does this sound like a threat?

This was the equivalent of UMM I DON’T MEAN TO BE RUDE BUT CAN YOU LIKE DIE. 

OKK soooo, I’m assuming it isn’t enough that I barely have any friends or barely talk to people anymore. He completely isolated me from myself and the life I had. I have no social life anymore and cry myself to sleep every night because it hurts to be this broken. But the problem is that I spread rumours about you? Hm. 

I don’t know what you want. One of these days I’ll ask you to fucking kill me maybe that will make all of this go away. I can’t fucking live with myself with what you put me through. Don’t you get it? I’m losing my shit and you know what you’re doing and you’re doing it anyway because you can’t fucking stand my sanity. I love you I want you to die I love you I want you to die I love you I want you to die. Doesn’t make sense, does it?

1. Let me tell the world, everything about you. These aren’t rumours. These are all the truths I know. 
2. Loved me. Beyond what this world showed you, you loved me. Or so I thought. (Because if you ever loved me even for a fucking second you can’t do what you are doing to me now). So maybe, you never loved me at all.

I didn’t love you, at first. I admired you. I was in awe of you. I hoped I could love you. I got so close, and then one day I did. I loved you beyond sanity. 

But in between all of that. I fought so hard to make you understand. I fought so hard to make you believe I was all yours and I was always going to be yours. But no, you wouldn’t believe me. I finally had it, I just couldn’t anymore. I was suffocating and my panic attacks were a joke to you. I called the shots. I said we were done. 

The next morning I woke up with nausea and the universe mocking me. It wasn’t just me anymore. I needed you, obviously. But I wasn’t in love with you. I couldn’t be in love with you after the way you treated me. 

But you wouldn’t marry me. You needed the abortion to happen to avoid any legal complications. Broke my heart really, but okay. Then I cheated on you. Sorry. 

And then I cheated on him with you, sorry for both of you. But damn this girl was running high on hormones and alcohol at this point. 

But you took me back, didn’t you. Said you loved me didn’t you. I said I loved you too didn’t I. But then another drunken night and you blurt out how I wronged you and I couldn’t stand it. The guilt was eating me up. I couldn’t stand wasting the best years of my life like this. It was over once again. 

I was lost, hurt, broken. My body was going through all sorts of fucked up and I questioned my existence every day.

Months passed, I realized how much I loved you so. I gave up everything you asked me to. Friends, Instagram, this very blog and a part of myself. I had to become wife material otherwise the man I loved would run off with his angel of an ex who sent me a recording of him telling her how much he wanted to be with her. The joke’s on me anyway because I was too deep in to let him go so I overlooked it. Nothing I did was good enough though. Everything you’d done wrong didn’t matter, because all that mattered was I loved you and I wanted to be with you. All the times you touched me when I didn’t want to be touched, all the times you fucked me when I didn’t want to be fucked. All of this was okay because I was blinded, wasn’t I?

You claimed to love me but you broke me. You used me, you abused your power over me and made sure I would die without you. 

Everything you ever bought me, you asked for it back because you couldn’t stand to be a decent human being. Your stupid iPhone, stupid books with meaningless love quotes, stupid letters and scrapbooks with nothing but endless lies. Because, if you loved me, you wouldn’t be the one behind the trigger. If you loved me, you wouldn’t get your highs from my lows.

These are all the truths I know.

You did cheat on me – that’s a fact and not something I’ve actually said out loud to anyone ever, until right now. Sorry, not sorry. 

You are such a nice person underneath all your layers, instead, you become this toxic, ego-driven narcissist. Not a rumour, only the truth. 

Maybe when I die you’ll finally stop. Would you?

Love is the cruellest joke the universe has played on us. We loved too much, on complete different frequencies and years.

I miss being curled up next to you, I miss your arms around me and your breath on my neck. Didn’t realize when but your arms have become my home. I miss your lips and I miss your touch. I miss talking nothings into the night. I miss you whispering how you love me in your sleep. How do I know this is what I want for the rest of my life? Because being without you for a single second doesn’t even make sense anymore. I love you and I don’t want to spend a single day without you.

I’m back here tonight. Not because I’m tired, but because I’m too exhausted to get up. I’m shattered inside. The flip of what I saw has left me completely broken because it seemed like no bones were put together anymore. My heart is in pieces. While I stood there, inches away from their sin watching him screw her, the ground slipped underneath me. I just wanted to vanish. They were so lost in each other that they didn’t even notice the door was open.

Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I punish myself like this?

I couldn’t wait to come home when I was too weary to get up since I was physically exhausted and the music was already too loud. But I had to wait for him to finish with his friends. Just when I thought he’d forgotten about me, there he was, leaning in close and whispering, “Babe, let’s go home.”

I don’t want to despise you, and I don’t want you to despise me. I don’t know how it is for you – but it hasn’t been easy for me. Carrying the skeletons of this relationship. It’s been weighing heavily on my mind. All of the mistakes we made, all of the dead ends that led to agony and despair.

You’re one of the most significant relationships I’ve had in my lifetime and the one relationship I invested so much of myself in, and I know that is true for you too. That is the reason why I can’t go on if you’re going to be someone I’m not on the best of terms with. Can we make peace with each other, for my sake? I don’t see how else I can go on.

There’s so much conflict but there’s also love. I know it’s hard to believe that I loved you with all of what I could. I know you don’t understand me the way I’d like you to and I won’t hold that against you.

Truth is, my heart aches that we are what we are to each other now. Lovers with a bad history. I wasn’t nearly perfect and there are so many reasons for that but no excuses. As I go on with my life I understand more and more, why I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be. And that is a lifelong battle for us. One we would never see eye to eye with. But for the good times, even though brief, can we call this a truce? I’m tired of self-loathing. I know this is selfish to ask because it’s so that I don’t hurt when I think of you.

I think of you quite often and fondly too, but pain resides alongside our memories. And I’m so sorry for all the times that I hurt you. I’m so sorry for all the times that I blamed you. Truth is, I was to blame equally and maybe more. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be better. I was young and naive and felt cornered and suffocated. My mental health was arguably the most significant roadblock, one that I was unaware of and that you didn’t believe in. There was such a disconnect, and I brought so much humiliation upon myself as a result of it.

I am in pain, so much pain. And you’re not responsible but all I ask is that you ease it for me a little, just part on more kinder words than we have. For good.

We’ve been apart for over two years and there’s been no closure for me. That is my struggle. And that is what I’m asking, for a better end for us. Lay the remains of what we were to rest, at ease.

I can’t go on knowing that you despise me, for the way I am. I know it’s a bit unfair to ask, but I’ve been carrying you in my heart for far too long. I need to let you go. I wish I knew how I could, but parting on good terms is maybe the place to start.

I wish you nothing but happiness and love.