#1

This is a war I’ve fought and won. The love once given remains as is, because we were a big part of each other for a long time. We’ve had too much history to completely shift delete all they were. Now it’s like a dead plant in my backyard. 

#2

You, I can’t get over. There’s so much humiliation I live with because of you, because of the way you’ve made me feel about myself. The way you reminded me I was never good enough and would never be. I wanted to be, so I put myself through to somehow be worthy of a love like yours. And like a little girl who fights for admiration, I do the same with you. I can’t stop. You made me feel a way I can never forget, and not the good kind. 

#3

Where do I start with you? If you love me like you say you do how could you come into my life when you can never give me what I want. You’ve undone all my progress because you not being able to validate my presence in your life in these two years have made me feel like I do not deserve you, I’m not good enough for you. All my insecurities are back, the ones you assured me of. Why did you do this to me? 

I love you because I can’t help it. I love you because you love me too. From the minute you smiled into my life, you’ve been everything I imagined happy would be. Endless nights swinging in each other’s arms in limited time – yet time felt infinite.

You believe in me even when I can’t look at myself. You love me even when I think I’m not that great. You made me fall in love with myself. You’re the silent hope that keeps me going, the little voice inside my head that keeps telling me ‘you’ve got this!’

I just want to get lost in this bubble with you and never come out of it. You’re my happy place. I forget what Happy is until you hold me. And when you hold me and Happy is all I know. You’re my happy place.

Ghosts of the people that have touched, loved and left. When they left they left traces of their love, hidden in the corners of my mind and nerve endings.

I live in my head too much, my head has become where I spend more than half my day. I’m at peace there despite the chaos. It’s the only place that feels like home. It’s the reason why I can’t focus or why I can’t read books. It’s why I zone out in the middle of conversations. My demons never leave me alone. They are kind mostly. They don’t give me a hard time. I think they give me company because they don’t trust other people to keep me in check. They pull me in and I don’t mind anymore. They are all I have. Dancing with my demons at 2 pm or 2 am. It’s alright.

If I missed just one person it would be so much easier, wouldn’t it? Instead, I’m surfing these waves of emotions not reminding me of one person, but everyone that’s come and gone in one way or the other. Time is poison. Time reminds you of things you otherwise thought held no value to you. Time adds value to the little moments you lived with one. Time doesn’t make it easy, time squashes you into emotional turmoil. Not you, me. Time does this to me.

The impossible task is forgiving myself for the things I let happen, and let go of. I can physically checkout in a flick of a heartbeat, but mentally, I stay there for years. I’m not able to leave. I can’t drag myself out of this mess I’ve woven in love and hate.

Every time you come into my life, no matter how casual your walk back in is, I’m left craving for permanency I’ll never have with you. It reminds me of what I could have and yet, what I most certainly won’t have, with you.

A good time – that’s all that I am. Some girl who’s a constant people pleaser and someone who neglects themselves to not stir up things. Everyone knows my struggles and yet they can’t help themselves but take what they can – and leave. Another game, another night. She’ll be alright, right? She’s not your responsibility. She chooses her poison. Let her drown.

Walk-in and out of her like she’s some holiday home. You know her weakness, yet you can’t help but take what you can. So much to take and so little to give. She’s never going to ask for more. How convenient. The perfect girl to keep playing your games with. You hold her in your arms and tell her you to love her and you’d never intentionally hurt her – but that doesn’t negate the fact that you do. Over and over. She pushes you away but you can’t stop yourself from pulling her back in, because she’s just there – right? Yours to take and leave as you please.

If you dare to love, have also the courage to dignify that very love.

Does she not deserve more?

When we stopped talking, I was in literal pieces all over again. I lost the well-curated support system, my best friend, and the person I loved the most. I was all alone. I had to pick the pieces off the floor and glue myself back without you.

I don’t want to risk my balance again. I hope you understand. I know you would.

So, live as you must, your best life without me. And remember me as the girl who loved you more than the world itself, but couldn’t quite be yours. I hope you’re happy, I hope you’re content. I hope good things are happening in your life.

What do I see in you?

Yes, I see galaxies, I see a billion stars, something that was worth holding on to and something that awes me to the point where nothing else matters.

People say that love is a feeling. I understand that now because I feel you there with me whenever I think about you.

Knowing you exist gives me hope. Will never let you go if you promise not to fade away.

I love you

3 words, 8 letters, that change everything

a label, a misconception, a promise

to love unconditionally, every day, every hour, every minute – always

I’m willing to settle for a love I can explore on my good days and a love that will excuse me on my bad. A love that understands. And the only person I want to do that with is with you. You are the only person who understands me.

My love for you doesn’t demand possession. It’s knowing that you exist, that gives me hope. Everything we were, that’s made me believe I could be loved too.