Learning how to live with my OCD – This is one long, tough and draining journey. Having no one who can even remotely relate or understand your compulsions which you have no control over, is lonesome and isolating. My day could be perfect but a part of my brain would be fixated on something that is beyond my control, and the obsession won’t stop until something new replaces the thought. A part of my brain is designated to OCD obsessions because it hardly stops. And this is never visible, and I don’t even talk about it. Because half of it will sound ridiculous. If I tell someone the furniture in my room is suffocating me, I don’t know how people would react. If I tell people, the stains in my clothes won’t go away and it’s making it harder for me to sleep, I don’t know anyone who will truly understand. And the truly heartbreaking part of all this is, I have very little authority over half of my life. I am in no place to make the changes I need, I can’t even afford it. And that’s why it’s just heartbreaking and exhausting to live this way. It’s not just the furniture. It’s dust, it’s anything that visible to my eye that isn’t aesthetic. And that’s a lot. And no one gives a fuck about this but that takes up my life. These thoughts are intrusive and persistent and hardly rational. They only make sense to me. So to live in a world, with other people, isn’t easy.
She Was Sea 