I’ve been thinking about us. Constantly. And there’s this unsettling feeling. It doesn’t give me this yeah this feels right feeling. It’s complicated and I hate it. But then I realized I’m never really going to be happy with anyone unless I’m happy alone. And maybe that’s why I can’t seem to be content with anyone. It’s like a product, this relationship, how long can we preserve it before it goes completely bad? Almost like bringing a ghost of something and pumping life into it. How successful will we be? More importantly, will we love who we are now.
I know you mean no pressure, but there is a bit of it. And there’s no way it’s not going to be there. Given how things have been with us and where we are now.
It all used to be so simple. I’ve always instantly known with you. But it’s not the same now. I’m more guarded and more anxious and paranoid and very much less trusting.
I just don’t know how to simplify it. In one moment I could be so sure. And in another, I just don’t know.
I’m scared to even move an inch when I’m unsure in ways I can’t even explain. I don’t want to take two steps forward and one step back every time. More importantly, I don’t want to mislead you. It’s exhausting to think that I might be. I don’t want to be someone who uses people. I can’t live with myself if I do.
I know, a part of me will always feel the way I do for you and you’ll always be the one I’ve loved more than life. I’m just not sure if I’m capable of that kind of a love anymore.
I wish it was simple, but it isn’t.
And it’s an awful thing to even admit because it’s just ridiculous not being able to trust yourself.
“It’s not. Because throughout your whole life decisions you made have put you through the worst and we haven’t made the best choices in life. So you can’t really trust yourself.”
She Was Sea 