I’m just not in a place to try with anyone. If I do it will be trying to distract myself from how unhappy I am, and it won’t be right. So I’m going to give myself a break, in time when I learn to be happy again, with myself, maybe then I can let someone in. But for now, no, I can’t.

I’ve been thinking about us. Constantly. And there’s this unsettling feeling. It doesn’t give me this yeah this feels right feeling. It’s complicated and I hate it. But then I realized I’m never really going to be happy with anyone unless I’m happy alone. And maybe that’s why I can’t seem to be content with anyone. It’s like a product, this relationship, how long can we preserve it before it goes completely bad? Almost like bringing a ghost of something and pumping life into it. How successful will we be? More importantly, will we love who we are now.

I know you mean no pressure, but there is a bit of it. And there’s no way it’s not going to be there. Given how things have been with us and where we are now.

It all used to be so simple. I’ve always instantly known with you. But it’s not the same now. I’m more guarded and more anxious and paranoid and very much less trusting.

I just don’t know how to simplify it. In one moment I could be so sure. And in another, I just don’t know.

I’m scared to even move an inch when I’m unsure in ways I can’t even explain. I don’t want to take two steps forward and one step back every time. More importantly, I don’t want to mislead you. It’s exhausting to think that I might be. I don’t want to be someone who uses people. I can’t live with myself if I do.

I know, a part of me will always feel the way I do for you and you’ll always be the one I’ve loved more than life. I’m just not sure if I’m capable of that kind of a love anymore.

I wish it was simple, but it isn’t.

And it’s an awful thing to even admit because it’s just ridiculous not being able to trust yourself.

“It’s not. Because throughout your whole life decisions you made have put you through the worst and we haven’t made the best choices in life. So you can’t really trust yourself.”

Thank you for understanding.

Am I ready to let this man love me?

At first, it was everything I could ever want, but that was because it was so unattainable, or so I thought. And now that it’s getting more real and there’s a proper shot at this, I just don’t know. I’m scared. What if I let myself down again. What if I hurt someone else?

Those who were lucky enough to grow up with proper support and guidance often fail to understand the lengths we have to go to and the desperation we feel throughout our journey. They’ve lived their lives in rose-tinted houses and would never understand how isolating a broken home can be. And yet, this doesn’t stop them from passing judgement.

I don’t know what to say anymore. This loneliness feels almost exhilarating right now. And I just want to be alone, now, more than ever. I want to not have to talk about everything I can’t fix in my life. I want to not have to sit with people who are barely listening not because they are ingenuine but because I am so much more sensitive than everyone else and I have to accept that not everyone feels things the same way I do. I want to not be afraid to be alone. Because I am all I have and I am what I will always have. The need for people to come in and fill the void, that’s not working. I should stop trying. All my fixes are temporary, just like drugs. Talk about my feelings? That leaves me good for only a few minutes. Retail therapy? leaves me more depressed when I lose money. Dinners and little getaways? They do nothing too, because no matter where I go, what distractions I delude myself with, I always come back to my life, the one where everything always goes wrong.

And so, I wanna be okay being alone. Because I am all I have and I want to at least like my company for the rest of my life.

Somedays you go out for rejection. And that’s just how it is.

I took two steps back from their unnerving breath and I was called a prude. I was only setting my boundaries, asking to respect my personal space. 

To her,

My love wasn’t enough to move mountains. I hope yours will.

In this marathon towards boundless uncertainty, here are the few things I constantly remind myself of; it’s okay to be uncertain, it’s also okay to be scared, it’s okay to not know where your journey is headed. It’s okay to just ‘be’. Get that pressure off yourself for not reaching your goals or falling a little behind. Because life works in mysterious ways and the best we can do at times is sit back and have a little faith.

I can’t deem myself invaluable or disposal for being less than ideal by my own expectations. Expectations that are influenced by people who do not even matter. Remind yourself that this pace is for you, and there’s nothing wrong with going a little slow or taking each day at a time. The big picture isn’t always necessary, sometimes survival is more trivial.

When life deals you a hand you weren’t prepared for at all, you adjust to it, no matter how hard it seems. We have no other choice. There’s no point in fighting the odds. Not everything is in our control.

It’s very easy to spiral into the void of self-loathing and hopelessness even with the mildest inconvenience, that’s because the fight has been never-ending and exhausting. But view every fight objectively, and know it’s a different fight each time. That’s life. If you’re tired, rest. But don’t stop.

I can’t help but spiral into devastation and shift blame towards me for everything that goes wrong. That’s also because we are fed that we make our own lives and we feel responsible for our failures and shortcomings. But sometimes, things are a bit out of our hands and we shouldn’t feel less for the incapability or the lack of control.

I am so terrified of change. Change that has forced me out of my comfort zone and all the things I am used to. It’s been incredibly hard to come to terms with, let alone convince myself that it’s okay. But that also does not mean I am less. It just means this is what life has dealt for me for now, and I’ll play this hand the best I can.

Several factors help us stay afloat, including the company we keep and the support that we incur. Often we do not have enough people rooting for us genuinely. A little support, a little push here and there is all we need. And that’s what’s lacking for me. So I have to become my support, the voice in my head that tells me to not give up. Because we know, we are all we have. We are all that matters, we are only as important as we make ourselves to be. No one is going to treat us better than we treat our selves.

The only way to get to your certainty, the big picture and all the answers is to keep going. And right now, that’s all I can do. And that’s what I will do. No matter how hard it gets, that I must.