How can someone who knows you inside and out, from everything that terrifies you to the very thing that makes your heart fly – know you so well and yet decide on something that completely shatters you? How can they do that? Could they do so if they loved you, or was love out of the question when they struggle to love themselves?
How can this pain be real, grieving the loss of someone who’d just rather do without you? Like, that was a choice. You chose to not be with me.
If it is a love worth having, it wouldn’t cause you pain. Would it? Not like this.
I put all my love in my hands and gave it to him with all my hopes. He turned away without hesitation. Cold and flat. He was done with me. And here it was, my moment of heartbreak. Agonizing pain building up from your lungs to your throat, until my words ran dry. The kind of pain I wasn’t ready for.
What happened to you’re the most important person to me? What happened to not giving up on us? What happened to I can’t do without you?
It was all gone. Things had changed. In his voice, I heard parts of him I no longer knew. Catchphrases I hadn’t heard before; ones he’s been getting from others. He was moving on. And I was doing the exact opposite. I was coming around, getting my hopes up, coming up with arts of war, to see us to the very end. Here I was willing to risk it all once again because I knew in my heart I didn’t want to be without him. I may have known him for only a while, a while that lasted eons. That’s how immensely happy he made me. But now that is all in the past.
Whatever it was, it isn’t anymore. It’s like death. Terrible pain.
It only hurts so much because I thought what we had was remarkable. Like the kinda love you can only imagine or dream of but never be lucky enough to experience. That’s what I thought we had. But, if it was as remarkable as I’d thought or deluded myself to be, these tears wouldn’t be welling up. Everything feels like a lie. A distant memory. All those moments where I felt like I was on top of the world while laying on his shoulders watching the world pass by; if any of it was as real as it felt, how could he turn away?
How could he not be at the end of the line when a movie shatters me. Why did we have to end? Why does it hurt so much?
She Was Sea 