She Was Sea

The moment he wanted to bail I bolted, I fucking ran, I just ran.
I didn’t have it within me to deal with another loss.
Another could have been, another what if.
Just another reason for me to cry myself to sleep, that’s what I thought.
I hid behind my anger, frustration, defeat.
Love took a backseat, the ‘hurt’, the ‘don’t do this’, the ‘please stay’ never reached my lips.

Instead, I ran away. I didn’t have the strength to deal with the pain.

The minute I stopped to catch my breath, I found myself missing someone I no longer had within reach. I found myself starting over from the minute of goodbye. Imprisoned by the walls I raised to keep myself away from the love that I was losing. I found myself petrified of moving on. Afraid of becoming someone he would no longer know.

The lesson here is to never run away from someone your heart isn’t ready to do without. There’s no running away from the loss of someone. The only way out is feeling it, feeling the pain, the hurt and all of it. Maybe I didn’t have the strength to face it. I made an incredible fool of myself thinking I was stronger and better and that I didn’t fucking need anyone to stay. In the process of all that I might have let go of the one person I can’t do without.