Falling shortly behind my lover devout, I wish I knew why. Perhaps, not everything is meant to be understood. Perhaps, love just isn’t for me.

Or if I’m really lucky, it’s all in my head and everything is fine. Or perhaps, only intense therapy can fix certain patterns.

How I wish things were simpler.

What’s done is done. We’ll continue to live with our scarred selves and do the best we can with whatever’s left of us. That’s all we can do.

It’s not easy being with someone who carries someone else in their heart. It’s even harder when you know a part of you often thinks of another too. But despite all, we’ve both made commitments to one another, to see whatever this may be through. As we keep going, there are days where I feel like yes, this is it. And then there are moments of uncertainty where I’m like, what if this isn’t. What if this is another journey that will end, what if this is another stepping stone that will help us get to our destinies but without each other. What if this isn’t meant to be. What if we’re both barricading our fates by being caught up in something so momentary. Life is anything but predictable – every twist and every turn taking us to and from desires of intoxication. Yet, here we are taking chances on each other, praying it takes us away from our past lovers and to each other.

You reek of my pleasure, darling.

Your claws in my skin, my thighs on your rim.
Whispers of sin, for the longing since.

Something about the way old loves end, chills my soul. One day you wake up, and it is not there anymore. Yet you carry their rooted absence deep within your heart.

Some days getting out of bed itself is so hard to do. Some reasons are not even good enough to live another day, yet the amount of hopelessness I am currently drowning in is awful. I honestly do not know what to do. I do not know what I have done so wrong in life to be stumped this far down. I have always been hopeful, nothing has ever stopped me from going on, and that will not be changing today. But, today has been incredibly hard. Just one of those days where I need things to be fucking okay. I am not asking for much. I am only asking for a reasonable amount of stability. It has indeed been a year of dreaded chaos. And I am just so tired of deluding and lying to myself over and over because I am scared of facing the truth. I was hoping if I ignored it hard enough, it would go away. But it has not, and that too is not how it works. I need a break from life. All the worries and everything. Why do I feel like an absolute failure despite everything? Whose standards am I not meeting? Mine? Or what has been set for me by others? It has been incredibly difficult. And as insane as it may seem, I am so close to giving up. How long can one keep fighting against all odds?

Brilliant on paper yet homeless in reality. Don’t let me chase a dream, don’t let me chase something that just won’t be. Don’t seduce me with a love that isn’t yours to give away. Stop before love begins to lose its meaning. Stop before love becomes an obsession. Stop before you ruin my chances of actually being happy with someone who’d offer me the world in a blink. Not that you wouldn’t, but we know you can’t and it’s completely okay. I am okay with it.

Just, let me go. I can’t stay here anymore. It’s confusing my soul.