Walking on eggshells carrying my heart around from safe to safe desperately trying to keep it away, locked up.

I smiled for two days and now I’m back to sulking. It’s wrong to be hopeful in this world. Just when you think it could be better oh boy it drowns you in unimaginable doubt and controversy.

Do you know what keeps me going these days?

You’re what keeps me going these days. I wake up thinking of you, breathing a different air than I have in a long time.

The surrealness of your interest in me, even when I couldn’t be interested in myself.

You make me want to be happy again.

I wish I knew how to go back to being me, the girl that was so fearlessly herself no matter what the world thought of her. Over the years, I ended up forcing her deep into my skin which allowed me to grow a thicker skin as it was easier to survive without feeling so intense. Now I’m told I need her back, and she’s refusing to come back. Who knew choosing to feel less would mean being stuck with traumas of which the explanations were no longer accessible because you’ve carefully locked away shredded memories as they brought nothing but pain.

At this point, everything I am writing is, for myself. I’m embarking on this journey to rediscover myself, heal, come to terms with life, and re-love me. I didn’t realize that I’d fallen out of love with myself but that I did, as I subconsciously began to loath my existence. The wrong relationship can wreck you to pieces. And I’m not making it sound poetic or anything. It breaks you apart. It’s not visible but every minute is crippling.

The beauty of life is that it goes on, even when you don’t want to. We face multiple losses every day. The loss of a love, a friendship, a parent and even the loss of the desire to live. And yet, despite all, life keeps going on. And in that moment it doesn’t make sense that it does. Why doesn’t it stop? Why doesn’t it grieve, why won’t it give you the time you need?. But the fact it does is the reason we overcome so many things. The fact that it won’t stop for us, the fact that it won’t consume us in our losses even when it felt like the end of the world.

So know this, the pain that you carry in your heart won’t last forever.

To be in love often means being free, but in this case, to be in love means to be a prisoner – your prisoner. My love for you is currently dormant despite knowing I would be happiest with you. It’s a battlefield of loving and being loved. How badly do I want to be loved?. By allowing your love, am I wrecking myself even more? And if so, how do I break free?. Fighting myself from going down that dreadful road I’ve been down once before, one foot in and one foot out. Heart in my hands and my mind lost.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not good enough. The moment you allow them to discourage you from being yourself, you’re betraying the most important person in your life – you.