Guilt stops us from going after the things we want. Guilt stops us from saying sorry like we mean it. Guilt makes us feel like we shouldn’t let in people we care about, all because we’ve made mistakes in the past. Guilt stops us from going forward, guilt keeps us looping in our worst nightmares.

We often seek forgiveness from people we care about for our mistakes and it is so important that they forgive us because we feel that we won’t be able to go on until they do. But the truth is, it’s not their forgiveness we need. We need to forgive ourselves to be able to go on. What they think doesn’t even matter anymore because you have to live with you. So, start with forgiving yourself, and telling yourself it’s okay you slipped that one time or many times. No one is perfect.

We fall, we learn. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re so much more than you think you are.

Selfless good deeds, do they even exist? When was the last time you’ve done something for someone out of love without expecting anything in return, without even an acknowledgement of your bare minimum effort? Probably never. But when your call gets lost and the messages get lost in others, that indeed ends up becoming a selfless good deed that ended up causing you utter humiliation instead of retaliation.

I woke up today and started seeing all the decade rewind posts on Twitter and thought to myself, what has my decade been like? So I started with the list which made me look back on my life like I have never before;

2009: the worst
2010: 💔
2011: gave up on school & moved to Male’
2012: was a literal mess
2013: got an internship & landed the first Resort job at Front Office #GreatBeginnings
2014: I can’t even remember what this year was about – might’ve been actually happy
2015: 💔 by someone who wasn’t worth it
2016: thought I’d met the love of my life
2017: Jumped into Sales & Marketing #BestCareerMove 💪🏽
2018: exhausted & mentally drained
2019: 💔 got out of something I never thought I’d have the balls to get out of 🙏🏽

I’ve worked in resorts continuously since 2013; although the distance got tough I love what I do and couldn’t be happier.

“𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘣𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘶𝘮𝘢 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐’𝘮 𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘵 𝘣𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 & 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦. 𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 ‘𝟶𝟿.”

It was only towards the end of the post that I realized everything about the past decade was me stepping away from everything that went down in 2009. 2009 was indeed the absolute worst. I’ve forgotten most of it, how it felt, how most of it felt, but there are things I still remember and things I wish I could forget. And if I’ve learned anything at all that is, some wounds don’t heal unless you treat them. I thought I could run away from it, but halfway through my marathon, I realized if I didn’t want to feel the things I’ve been running away from I’d always be running. I can never stop. But by then it was too late. Running away was the only thing I knew. So that is what I did.

Maybe someday when I have the words I’ll write about my 2009. I think I have an unfinished attempt Here for now.

When it’s over you shouldn’t worry if things would change and you’d drift apart and the connection you once had would be lost forever. Because if what you felt was real, it would always be there. If things eventually fade away, maybe what you felt was nothing more than a momentary lapse. Either way, always be grateful for living something so incredible.

I can’t wait to be over you

I can’t wait to forget you

I can’t wait to not feel this way

I

Just

Can’t

Wait

I’m a sucker for nostalgia. That explains why I’m stuck in corners that once felt familiar.

Starting to feel like I’ve hit bottom once again. But I really can’t even distinguish anymore when I’m here feeling this way every other day. Maybe there really are no more ups in life. Maybe it’s all downhill from here.

Although, even through this chaos I’ve found solitude in one I couldn’t even have asked for in my dreams. He’s given my life new meaning and I’m forever thankful. If this lasts any longer I just might tart believing in soul mates. It’s kinda unfair how one thing can feel so right when everything else keeps falling apart. You never have it all. But it’s also a reminder that you carry some good even to the pit of your rock bottom. 

You know you’ve come far when you bounce back from the thoughts of him that weigh you down before you hit the ground.