I’m realizing I never stopped loving you. But I did stop loving how you made me feel. Always on the edge, questioning my every move. Telling me my way of life is nothing but a disgrace, which ultimately made me feel like so was my existence. When you give a certain importance to an individual you are giving them the power to define and validate you. Always on the edge, always scared of when you will finally go back to her. Because in my mind, there was always someone better for you out there. That made me love myself less and less. If I can’t love myself with you, how can I love you?

And I hated living like that. I don’t want to live like that, all I want is to be good enough, the way I am. 

It scares me one day I might have to exist in a world that no longer has you, it’s even more terrifying that it’s inevitable.

Gathering up the courage to tell you how much you mean to me.

This one’s for you Dad, you too Mamma. Love you both, with all my heart. With all the life that’s left. Nothing means more.

When you pulled the plug I couldn’t tell you I wouldn’t know how to go on about my days without you in it.

I’m only ashamed for the parts of my life my mother refused to listen, not because she didn’t want to, but because she couldn’t

I can’t hate her for the strength she didn’t have to hear how a daughter was ruined in her watch, while she was too busy tending for the parts my father never could

I can’t blame her for not being the mother I always wanted, when she had to fill in for the father that was hardly around

I’m mad at her for things she won’t even remember, but how could I be? When she was more than the mother I could’ve wished for, but also, so little of the mother I needed in many times