“You feel like you’re living a life filled with hypocrisy. You said you mold into a religious person when you’re around friends who are religious. But that doesn’t even fit the definition of “religious”.

So it’s a facade, it’s not true. It’s a role you play. Not a personality.

It’s not multiple personalities.
I think you are a Chameleon.
I think you haven’t accepted your true self.
I think you have a vision of what you should be.. and when you look in the mirror you are not that person you should be.
So when you’re being reckless, I think it’s just another way you hurt yourself. Given that you have physically hurt yourself in the past.
So you are a person who has either not discovered herself or a person who hasn’t accepted or come to terms with who she is.. and also has this version of who she must be.
And to satisfy all of the above, you became this Chameleon. Who keeps changing her color depending on who she’s around. Because she doesn’t think her true form is good enough to stand in-front of the people she is with.

It’s not multiple personalities. It’s a single personality that has only one “want” and that is to be good enough. But the problem is this; you are trying to look at yourself through the other person’s eyes. You need to stop looking at yourself from another person’s eyes and look at yourself from your inner eye and get rid of all the white noise. Just focus on how you want to feel.

But I think it is clear that you have a certain sense of faith in you, which is why you feel the hypocrisy and aren’t comfortable with it. Just like that, you wearing the hijab makes you feel like a hypocrite too. Because you know you’re not wearing it for what it represents or for what it is or to fulfill the purpose it is meant for.

Would you ponder on this, and consider taking it off and feeling less of a hypocrite, accept yourself and then once you’re done fixing the problem (uprooting the problems from within you), then explore religion once again when you’re ready for it, and start practicing properly and then wear the hijab for the right reasons and maintain wearing it for the right reasons.

This is why your therapist said you’re a paradox. How can you stop being a paradox when you won’t allow yourself to change the paradoxical nature of the choices you made and continue to live with? You need to weigh the pros and cons of both options.

The pros of you taking it off far outweighs the cons, in my opinion.

It’s doing a lot of damage to you from within. The hijab isn’t doing the damage. The disconnect between what the hijab stands for and your current mental state is what is doing the damage.

Don’t seek protection from a piece of fabric. Firstly, seek protection from God himself. And then secondly, seek protection from within you. Be strong enough. Build your inner strength. It would be far better for you to take it off and feel less of a hypocrite and thus allow you to give yourself a chance to fix yourself. Rather than continue to wear it, feel like a hypocrite day in and day out and never ever be able to take the necessary steps to be able to uproot the weeds from within you

Sometimes you have to pull off the band aid and let the wound breathe for it to be able to heal. Will it be difficult? Yes. Will it be painful? Yes. Will it allow better and quicker healing? Also yes.

All your dilemmas, all your problems have it’s roots inside you.

When you list down the 5 most significant men in your life, they all have one thing in common and you can’t even point it out. But I think you’d be less lost if you figure out why you put these people on the list even when they actually have no business being on it.

I’ll answer this: The thing they all have in common are that they’re all from the past that you can’t stop pondering upon. That they’re all irrelevant, all stagnant, and all people who have used and abused you in some shape or form.

Do you disagree? That makes your list of 5 most significant men, utterly insignificant.

Yet you still try to give them importance by keeping them on the list. Why? Because you’ve got deep rooted problems within you. And change is the only fix. Fixing the hypocrisy is the road to that fix.

Your problem with the notion of change is just a trend these days. The feminist ideology that a man’s suggestion for a woman to change is blasphemous

Only once you find happiness in yourself will you ever *allow* someone worthy to even come close to you. It works both ways actually. Because just as this is true.. It’s also true that you’d only attract the right kind of people once you do find that happiness in yourself. Being comfortable in your own skin and being confident and self sufficient and content about yourself are the most attractive things to the opposite gender

But those traits can only be appreciated and recognised by good people who have an innate sense of knowing what’s good and what’s not.

Only you can fix yourself. I’ve tried my best to show you the path. At the end of that path, most certainly there’s a light. Whether you want to see it or not is your choice.

Say “Good riddance” and cut off those people from your life. Stop living in the past.”