You know what makes it easier? not thinking about who he’s fucking when you’re not around. That makes it easier.

Not thinking about anything besides the moments you both share, that makes it easier. Getting rid of everything but the truth you know, makes it easier.

So, love him if you must. But don’t let your mind torture you with unfinished stories you only know bits of.

Be kind to you, because you have to live with you. 
Be kind to you, because you are all you have.
Be kind to you, because if you won’t, who else will.
Be kind to you, because you have to set your standards with you. 

Is it suicide if I knew it would kill me?

It’s not even about what I’m worth anymore. I’ve disappointed myself. It’s funny that I expected someone to see me beyond what I see myself as. But after investing myself in someone for the better part of last three years, I’m upset that it won’t be his jokes I’ll be laughing at for the rest of my life.

It’s true that you only remember the best of the times when you part. But I also remember everything else. The frustration and the tears, the unfairness. The how could this be and why would you do this to me too. And long after that when friends talk about him and tell me how casually he flirts with them a part of me is so glad I’m finally done while the other part of me cries herself to sleep because it kinda hurts.

I wasn’t even nearly perfect, but that being said if I ever would’ve changed myself entirely, it would have been for him. Because of how much I wanted to be with him. Things he’d asked me to change about the way I live made a certain sense to me, but I’m not the girl that makes sense. I’m the girl who’s complex, reckless and impulsive. My true essence lies in all of these and if you ask me to stop being all of that, what would become of me? Only a shell of what I am?

Stop Ana, just stop. It’s almost 6 am and here’s another reminder that you need to let go.

My mind is a backward spiral whenever I hear your name. It unravels. I can’t have it unravel again. I want to stay focused and remember why my heart decided what it did. 

Moments create infinite hope for something you never thought you wanted, but then in a moment, you feel all sorts of feelings you thought you’d forgotten and would never feel again which opens a new window into your life.

Know your worth and believe it.

Some people worry so much about what others think of them that they change what they have to say to please someone else. It’s hurtful, I know, but you have to make peace with the fact that their choice to be two-faced is their choice, not yours. We tend to put value on those who others try to impress simply because someone out there wants to impress them. That’s how power works. Think about it this way though: If someone isn’t impressed by the truth, are they worthy of being impressed at all? If someone isn’t impressed by the truth, are they worthy of your time, effort, and energy? Are they worthy of you trying to prove yourself to them? Are they worthy of your mental space? No, they are not. Those who are worthy are those who matter. And those who matter, you don’t have to prove yourself to them. They see right through you. They see your truth. They see your authenticity. Those are the ones who are worthy of being held on to, because you don’t have to try to impress them. You already do by being who you are.

Everyday, I’m haunted by the same question. What are you doing with your life?
What am I doing you ask? I honestly don’t know. I’m living. One day at a time, surviving, reminding my self to keep breathing. But besides that? I don’t really know. I take one step back and I see I have not achieved much. But then I come back  into my shoes and realise, given the circumstances, lord, I’ve come so far. Thank you for that.

I waste my days and nights, in highs and lows in foreign places forcing myself to have fun, to laugh, to just live you know. But I don’t want to do this. What do I want to do you ask? I don’t know. I barely know myself, how can you expect me to know what I want to do with my life. For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be nothing but happy. In this pursuit of happiness, sometimes I’ve found happiness in little things like shoes or food. Now I hate both. Shoes sit at home unworn and food just adds more calories. And that’s a new struggle, struggling with my body and weight. And then there are the men who promised me the world and yet, left me feeling blue and grey.

I used to be such an easy girl to please. One joke and I’d laugh the whole night. I adored people who were kind. How did the world get so ugly. How did so much hate whisk in. What is happy? What is contentment? I don’t know and I’m dying to know.

“You feel like you’re living a life filled with hypocrisy. You said you mold into a religious person when you’re around friends who are religious. But that doesn’t even fit the definition of “religious”.

So it’s a facade, it’s not true. It’s a role you play. Not a personality.

It’s not multiple personalities.
I think you are a Chameleon.
I think you haven’t accepted your true self.
I think you have a vision of what you should be.. and when you look in the mirror you are not that person you should be.
So when you’re being reckless, I think it’s just another way you hurt yourself. Given that you have physically hurt yourself in the past.
So you are a person who has either not discovered herself or a person who hasn’t accepted or come to terms with who she is.. and also has this version of who she must be.
And to satisfy all of the above, you became this Chameleon. Who keeps changing her color depending on who she’s around. Because she doesn’t think her true form is good enough to stand in-front of the people she is with.

It’s not multiple personalities. It’s a single personality that has only one “want” and that is to be good enough. But the problem is this; you are trying to look at yourself through the other person’s eyes. You need to stop looking at yourself from another person’s eyes and look at yourself from your inner eye and get rid of all the white noise. Just focus on how you want to feel.

But I think it is clear that you have a certain sense of faith in you, which is why you feel the hypocrisy and aren’t comfortable with it. Just like that, you wearing the hijab makes you feel like a hypocrite too. Because you know you’re not wearing it for what it represents or for what it is or to fulfill the purpose it is meant for.

Would you ponder on this, and consider taking it off and feeling less of a hypocrite, accept yourself and then once you’re done fixing the problem (uprooting the problems from within you), then explore religion once again when you’re ready for it, and start practicing properly and then wear the hijab for the right reasons and maintain wearing it for the right reasons.

This is why your therapist said you’re a paradox. How can you stop being a paradox when you won’t allow yourself to change the paradoxical nature of the choices you made and continue to live with? You need to weigh the pros and cons of both options.

The pros of you taking it off far outweighs the cons, in my opinion.

It’s doing a lot of damage to you from within. The hijab isn’t doing the damage. The disconnect between what the hijab stands for and your current mental state is what is doing the damage.

Don’t seek protection from a piece of fabric. Firstly, seek protection from God himself. And then secondly, seek protection from within you. Be strong enough. Build your inner strength. It would be far better for you to take it off and feel less of a hypocrite and thus allow you to give yourself a chance to fix yourself. Rather than continue to wear it, feel like a hypocrite day in and day out and never ever be able to take the necessary steps to be able to uproot the weeds from within you

Sometimes you have to pull off the band aid and let the wound breathe for it to be able to heal. Will it be difficult? Yes. Will it be painful? Yes. Will it allow better and quicker healing? Also yes.

All your dilemmas, all your problems have it’s roots inside you.

When you list down the 5 most significant men in your life, they all have one thing in common and you can’t even point it out. But I think you’d be less lost if you figure out why you put these people on the list even when they actually have no business being on it.

I’ll answer this: The thing they all have in common are that they’re all from the past that you can’t stop pondering upon. That they’re all irrelevant, all stagnant, and all people who have used and abused you in some shape or form.

Do you disagree? That makes your list of 5 most significant men, utterly insignificant.

Yet you still try to give them importance by keeping them on the list. Why? Because you’ve got deep rooted problems within you. And change is the only fix. Fixing the hypocrisy is the road to that fix.

Your problem with the notion of change is just a trend these days. The feminist ideology that a man’s suggestion for a woman to change is blasphemous

Only once you find happiness in yourself will you ever *allow* someone worthy to even come close to you. It works both ways actually. Because just as this is true.. It’s also true that you’d only attract the right kind of people once you do find that happiness in yourself. Being comfortable in your own skin and being confident and self sufficient and content about yourself are the most attractive things to the opposite gender

But those traits can only be appreciated and recognised by good people who have an innate sense of knowing what’s good and what’s not.

Only you can fix yourself. I’ve tried my best to show you the path. At the end of that path, most certainly there’s a light. Whether you want to see it or not is your choice.

Say “Good riddance” and cut off those people from your life. Stop living in the past.”