I’m stronger than a heartbreak.

I’m stronger than all the things you say I am.

When you tell me looks aren’t what define beauty, I look at my insides and see bruises and scars in parts I’ll never feel loved again.

When you say I have no conduct, I’m the girl who oversays thank you because my gratitude towards kindness is magnifying.

When you say you won’t apologize for your crude remarks, you’re forgetting I never demanded an apology.

When you shame my name with dust and dirt and tell me I just love you, remember.. I’m stronger than your narcissism. A broken heart can mend and heal but scars of your words burnt against my skin will forever show. And I just can’t do this anymore.

Maybe it’s just the way it is. You’ll continue to walk in and out of my life as you please and I will let you. I have no clear answer as to why. Looking back at my life I see so very few meaningful encounters and you are one of them. And as you’ve said that you treasure the bond we share, I do too. Maybe not on your terms but I do as well. Never before have you explained to me so clearly how you have felt about me all along. And I appreciate it so much. It’s just, as days pass your spoken words become echo’s and this distance as usual have made me think otherwise of it. Yes, I know I know, we are no regulars in each others lives and never have been, but.. I don’t know. I don’t expect anything, just don’t drop truth bombs on me and vanish into thin air maybe.

My cousin booked me with another therapist for tomorrow night. Therapy hasn’t worked so far. Not sure how this session will be any different either. I don’t get psychotherapy. Or maybe I’ve never been consistent at it. Or maybe the clinics have just been useless. I don’t know how to tell them I live in a state of uncertainty. Nothings ever certain with me. The only things that are certain in my life are my work and my family. The rest have a way of it’s own. It’s me but at the same time it’s not me because I’m not in control of it. The moment I understand how I feel towards something, I begin to feel indifferently and I move on to try and understand the new feeling. It’s a hopping mind.

”I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” — Charlotte Brontë

They’ve been my world. The whole of it, but one by one each of them has left their place in my life.

Some found life more worthwhile without our friendship, others set their priorities right and we didn’t make the list. And the rest I don’t really know if it’s ignorance or their obliviousness. Can’t really say which.

Bottom line though is that it hurt. All of it.

Writing this isn’t going to be easy, this could be a phone call or a group text. But like always, some truths are harder to tell.

What was left of us was damn fine, we were closer than ever, more protective than ever, or so I thought until I absolutely needed them; like I’d never needed anyone before. I don’t know what I really expected, maybe a thoughtful ear? an understanding, or a bunch of words along the lines that I would be okay again.  

Like any other night, I needed my best friends. To be around them, somehow things seemed easier with them around.

So when I was having a hard time this one night, and since they’ve said many many times before that I don’t really allow them to be there for me at my hardest times, I thought, I’d let them be there for me this time. I had a growing trust allowing myself to be that vulnerable in front of them for once. I’ve always iced people out when things got tough, I knew that these were my problems and none other should have to waste their time worrying for me. But I’d known them for over a decade and like I said, they were my world. So I went to see them, I was soon in tears crying my face off because honestly I’d been going in circles with the same problems and I felt so helpless. But most of them were too busy to even hear me out, and I soon started feeling worse. So I left and cried the whole way home. I thought they’d text me later and see if I was okay, but they never did. So in a world where I was feeling so helpless, I also started feeling abandoned and other ugly feelings. That’s one incident. I tried to let it go, make excuses for them, but my anxiety was fucking me up around them. I no longer felt okay or alright. I felt exposed for allowing myself to be that vulnerable and to receive such cold treatment.

Another day, this time it was at work. It was a gathering out in the sea, on a Dhoni. One particular person decided to ruin my entire will to live while I sat on the bow. I was too shattered to even move. I had half of my colleagues on the very same Dhoni, but most of them would probably not know what happened. But they knew something had happened. I sat there for over four hours, didn’t even move. I couldn’t. I sobbed my heart out and called my mother crying. I had thought of jumping off over a hundred times in those hours. I understand my colleagues wouldn’t intrude or even ask hey, are you okay? but honestly, I would have so appreciated that. The saddest part though is that this one best friend of mine was there too,  she was there with everyone else. Laughing and having their time of fun, while I was shattering myself into a million little pieces over and over for hours and hours. The torture was indefinable. She never bothered to come and ask me, not once, if I was okay. I’d be fine with the World not caring, but I couldn’t be fine with her not caring. In a world where I kept feelings abandoned, I kept on getting lonelier and lonelier and living in a mass of ugly feelings. At that point, the world was my enemy. 

They probably wonder what went wrong or what happened, I wish I could tell them, but I can’t. These were two of the most painful days I had to live through and would never recover from. I learned so much. About people, about love and trust. No matter who’s in your life, no matter where you are, you only have you. No one else, only you.

I hope my best friends that used to be, stop wondering why, because here is why. I never asked for much. I asked for so little of love, and even that seemed too much to ask for in the end.